Dot (Araminta Hall)

that if he stayed and witnessed his daughter become two he would never leave. Tony stared into the electric blue sky and understood what had eluded him for so long: he loved Dot more than anyone but in order to stay alive he had to take care of himself and Silver was as integral to his staying alive as oxygen.
    Tony got up off the grass and took Dot back into the house. His head felt large and full, as if he’d had a skinful the night before and was still wobbly on his feet. The kitchen smelt like a bakery, like a place he’d have enjoyed growing up in. Alice was standing by the table, squeezing pink icing out of a white tube on to miniature cakes. She smiled, pushing her hair out of her eyes with the back on her hand, leaving a trace of pink on her forehead.
    ‘I’m just going to nip out and get some more balloons,’ Tony said.
    Her expression changed at this. ‘But we’ve got loads.’
    ‘Oh well, I just thought we could do with some more.’
    Alice glanced at the clock above the door. ‘The party starts in an hour.’
    ‘It’ll only take me five minutes.’
    ‘OK.’
    He hesitated at his moment of freedom, unable to turn and take his exit. Instead he walked over to where his wife and daughter were standing. The next time he saw them everything would be different and they would no longer belong to each other. He picked Dot up, kissing her red cheeks. ‘You do know you’re an amazing mother, don’t you Alice,’ he said. She laughed nervously. ‘No, I mean, look at all this. Look at Dot. You’re incredible.’ It wasn’t enough, he wanted to say more but nothing formed in his mind.
    She blushed. ‘Don’t be silly.’
    Tony put Dot back down next to her mother and turned and left the kitchen. He pulled his jacket from the cupboard in the hall that Clarice insisted they use and shut the front door quietly behind him. He still didn’t know exactly what he was doing, but as he walked down the road and felt Clarice watching him from the sitting room windows he knew he wasn’t going back.
    The only person who could save him now was Silver and Tony wished he had one of those phones he’d read about in some of the papers recently. Phones that posh businessmen kept in their briefcases and were able to use standing on street corners. The report he’d read said there were satellites in the sky which transmitted their conversations to each other, that one day we’d all have one in our own pockets which we could use to call people on the other side of the world. But he didn’t care about the rest of the world, only Silver. Tony walked to the Hare and Hounds and went straight in without stopping. Silver was pulling a pint for Charles Wheeler but when she saw Tony she stopped. He turned and left and she followed him.
    ‘What are you doing?’ she asked as they stood on the green with so many pairs of eyes watching them. ‘I thought it was Dot’s party.’
    ‘I can’t do it, Silver.’
    She put her hand on his arm and it was the first time that day that his heart slowed to anything like a normal pace. ‘Calm down. You’re white as a sheet. What’s happened?’
    ‘We have to go now.’
    ‘Have you told Alice?’
    He shook his head and tears spilt out of his eyes without warning. ‘I can’t do it any more, being there and thinking of you all the time. It’s wrong. And Dot – shit, Silver, what am I doing?’
    ‘We don’t have to. You can walk away from me now and there won’t be any hard feelings. I’ll go to Cartertown; you won’t ever have to see me again.’
    ‘But I love you.’
    She was crying as well. ‘I love you too. But sometimes—’
    ‘No, I went through all that in my head this morning. It has to be you, Silver. It’s always been you.’
    ‘You’ve got to speak to Alice. You can’t just leave.’
    ‘I can’t go back and I can’t tell her now. Dot’s party is about to start.’
    ‘Then we can wait for tomorrow.’
    ‘No.’ Tony heard his own desperation, as pathetic as a drowned kitten. ‘Don’t make me go back there, I can’t.’
    ‘But Dot—’
    ‘She won’t even notice. I’ll call Alice tomorrow or next week. We’ll get a flat and Dot can come and stay.’ Tony grabbed on to Silver’s hands. They were cold.
    ‘Of course she’ll come and stay,’ she said, using the back of her hand to wipe the tears from his cheeks just as his mother had done when he was small.
    If you say something enough it becomes true, doesn’t it? Tony shut his eyes and