Edward Adrift

good about them. Still, I can’t help but root for the Cowboys, because I always have and because my father did. I do understand, however, that not everyone likes the Dallas Cowboys. Scott Shamwell hates the Dallas Cowboys. He calls them “America’s Douche-Canoes.” I don’t like it when he says that, but I have to remember that Scott Shamwell is a Minnesota Vikings fan and has never seen his team win a Super Bowl. The Cowboys, on the other hand, have won five. I will just be thankful for my team’s good fortune.
    Feeling happy about my Christmas trip and seeing the Dallas Cowboys, I open the letter from Jay L. Lamb and prepare to feel worse. I will concede that this preemptive (I love the word “preemptive”) feeling of dread is an effect of years past, when Jay L. Lamb, under my father’s direction, would write me letters telling me what to do and threatening to cut me off from my father’s support if I did not follow his directions.Since my father died and my mother yelled at Jay L. Lamb and instructed him never to speak to me without her permission, I have not had any trouble from him. Feeling dread at his letters is what Dr. Buckley would call a “conditioned response,” and those are hard to break, like habits. I’m trying. I will try harder.
    Edward:
    As I relayed to your mother and she asked me to relay to you, I have found private health coverage for you now that you are no longer employed by the Herald-Gleaner. I will direct the human resources department at the newspaper to suspend your participation in the COBRA program. Though this new insurance will be more expensive than your employer-provided plan, it is in any case less costly than COBRA. I will be in touch soon with plan details and your insurance card. Please let me know if anything has changed on the medical front.
    Also, some additional good news—the strategic steps we took to position your money in late 2008 have paid off handsomely. We have recovered the recessionary losses and then some, and your holdings as of this writing total $6,123,817. It’s safe to say that you need not work another day in your life.
    With all the best regards,
    Jay L. Lamb
    Jay L. Lamb has a talent for saying something that is innocuous (I love the word “innocuous”) and offensive at the same time. I appreciate his getting me new insurance and taking care of my money, and I will endeavor to tell him so. As for his comment about my not needing to work, it just goes to show that while Jay L. Lamb may be my lawyer, he doesn’t know me. My father made that money in the oil business and in investments after he retired and became a politician. Jay L. Lamb thinks my money is what keeps me alive. He’s a fool. But I won’t tell him that.
    I go into the room adjacent to my bedroom, where my computer desk sits, and I compose a letter to Jay L. Lamb. I’d like to get this in the mail as soon as possible so all the necessary details of my new health coverage can be put in place.
    Jay L. Lamb:
    Thank you for your note of the 7th. I am writing to you to fulfill your request about details on the medical front. Today, I saw Dr. Rex Helton at the St. Vincent Healthcare Broadwater clinic, and he has informed me that I have type 2 diabetes. I have gone to Albertsons and picked up the medications that Dr. Rex Helton recommends as a deterrent for this new condition, and I am sure Dr. Rex Helton can provide any details you need beyond this letter.
    Thank you for attending to this and for the update about my money.
    Regards,
    Edward Stanton
    As long as I’m writing letters, I might as well compose one to Mr. Withers at the
Billings Herald-Gleaner
. I have spent three weeks and a day thinking about the circumstances of how I was fired (or involuntarily separated), and I have built a substantive case for being rehired as soon as possible.
    Mr. Withers:
    As you may recall, you had to involuntarily separate me from the Billings Herald-Gleaner on November 16th. At our last meeting, which you euphemistically called an exit interview, you suggested that this was a result of “business challenges” and not a commentary on the quality of my work.
    While I am not privy to the newspaper’s business challenges, I think that once you reconsider things, you will see that I should continue to be employed as the night-shift maintenance expert.
    I have included here a short list of the things that need to be done at the Herald-Gleaner. All of these things would have been done by