Everything Changes

out.”
    He keeps his eyes fixed resolutely on the tie as he adjusts the knot, his forehead furrowed with concentration. “That’s my point,” he says. “I was as sure as I could humanly be, and still, I failed. So what do you think your chances are if you’ve already got serious doubts?”
    “You’re forgetting something.”
    “What’s that?” he says, looking up at me.
    “I’m not you.”
    He meets my gaze, nodding sadly. “That’s right, Zack. You’re not me. You’re all about responsibility. You’ll stay at the same cruddy job for, what is it, eight years? Because you’re not like your flaky father. And you’ll stay with your woman even while you know, in your gut, that maybe you’ll never love her the way you could love someone else. Because you’ve made your commitment, and that’s what matters.”
    “What do you want me to do, Norm?” I say, my voice shaking. “You want me to be like you, is that it, a chip off the old block? You figure if I fuck this up it will be one more thing we can have in common, like grilled cheese sandwiches? You’ve never lived up to a commitment in your life. You were always sure there was something better out there for you. Maybe there is something better out there, and maybe there isn’t, but I’m not going to end up broke and alone when I’m sixty because I never saw the value in what I had right in front of me until it was gone.”
    He pulls back, stepping away from me to study my face. “You think I don’t know what I’ve lost?” he says. “You think I don’t lose it again, every day?”
    I shake my head at him. “We loved you, Norm. We were your kids, your family. And you tossed us away like we were nothing. What did you think was out there that could be better than your own sons?”
    I can see his face twitching, under his eyes and at the corners of his mouth, ancient hurts hurtling up to the surface, only to be batted down at the last second like insects by the sheer force of his will. Finally, with great effort he looks back at the tie and steps forward to put the finishing touches on my knot. “There,” he says, stepping away from me to admire his work. “Perfect every time.” He turns me to see it in the mirror. “You know what I worry about, Zack?”
    “What?” I say, fingering the knot.
    “I worry that trying not to become me, while certainly a worthwhile pursuit in its own right, has prevented you from actually becoming yourself.”
    “Well, maybe this is just who I am,” I say weakly, sitting down on the bed and burying my head in my hands.
    “I don’t think so. There’s something in you, something stronger and better than me. I think you’re just scared.”
    “Of what?”
    “Of disappointing people, like I did.” He sits down on the bed beside me. “Listen, Zack, I know you think you’re already committed, but you’re not. You haven’t taken those vows yet. If you’re not sure this is the right thing for you, you need to stop it, as soon as possible. The hurt you may cause now is nothing compared to what it will be like if it happens after you’re married.”
    I collapse back on the bed with a groan, covering my eyes. “What’s wrong?” Norm says.
    “I have a splitting headache.”
    “Why don’t you take something?”
    “I took some Aleve a little while ago.”
    “Wait a minute,” he says. “Did you get them from the medicine chest in your bathroom?”
    “Yeah. Why?”
    Norm sighs. “Those are my Viagras.”
    I sit up, eyes wide. “What are you talking about?”
    “The bottle was practically empty, so I figured I’d use it.”
    “Jesus, Norm! My party’s in an hour!”
    “Then you’d better find some aspirin, because if you think you’ve got a headache now, the Viagra’s going to bury you.”
    “I can’t walk around my party with a hard-on.”
    “Just don’t think any sexual thoughts. The drug works in conjunction with arousal.”
    “But you’re hard all the time when you take it.”
    Norm grins. “I’m just a dirty old man.”

Chapter 33
    The Seacords have transformed the main hall of their penthouse into a party room with a harvest motif. Rust, gold, crimson, and brown banners descend in long arcs from the chandelier to the four corners of the room, creating a tented effect. Carving stations featuring all manner of meats have been set up along the far wall behind the staircase, while lighter fare like pasta and sushi is served from behind crescent-shaped tables scattered along