Existence 01 - Existence

to tell me no or question it. I had no way out unless I wanted to hurt not only Leif, who didn’t deserve it, but Miranda too. She was no doubt thrilled about the trip and even though all I wanted to do was search for Dank, I couldn’t. At the moment I wasn’t sure how to begin to look for Dank. My plan had come to a crumbing halt. In a sudden burst of hope I’d checked Ebay for Cold Soul tickets thinking maybe if I went to a concert I could see him and know he was real. I could wipe out all these fears stirring inside of me that he was something I couldn’t have or touch. Even if I could afford the tickets I couldn’t afford the travel cost to get to his upcoming concert dates.
    “I guess that’s what we need to do tomorrow,” Mom said brightly. I had no idea what she was talking about.
    I stared up at her and frowned. “What?”
    She rolled her eyes. “Go buy your snow gear, silly. You’re going to need heavier winter clothing as well. Oh, this is going to be so much fun! I’m so excited about this. You two do your homework and I’m going to call Margie and let her know I’ll be there Thanksgiving.” Mom left us and Leif turned back around, smiling triumphantly, a box of fried rice in one hand and chopsticks in the other.
    “She is cooler than cool, I swear. Wyatt’s parents put up a little fight. She was so easy.” He kissed the top of my head as he walked back around to sit down at the table. “You better call Miranda and tell her the good news before we get started. She’s waiting to hear from you.” I nodded and reached for my phone. I was going to have to act excited for Leif’s sake, and hers. The phone rang once before intense squealing erupted on the other line.
    “Please say she said yes, please, please, please,” Miranda’s voice sang on the other line.
    “She said yes,” I replied with a smile in Leif’s direction.
    “FANTABULOUS! We’re going to have such a good time. Shopping in the snow. How romantic is that? I mean really does it get any better than snow on quaint little streets full of shops? No, it doesn’t. However, I’ll warn you now, I’m not putting my foot in a ski. No way. I want to shop, not visit the ER for a big ‘ole ugly cast. Are you going to ski?” I glanced at Leif who could obviously hear her voice over the phone. He was nodding with a big grin on his face.
    “I don’t know that I have a choice in the matter.” I replied.
    “Ugh, well, I do and I’m not doing it. I mean, you fall and get cold wet bottoms. No way. Not going to do it.”
    Leif chuckled. “You wear a snow suit, Miranda, it keeps your bottom dry,” he called out loudly.
    “Whatever, still not doing it. Oh, I need to call Wyatt and tell him. We have got to go shopping for real winter clothes. You’ll have to put your community service aside for one afternoon or possibly two. Okay, well! SQUEEAAAA! I’ll talk to you later.” She hung up.
    I closed my phone and laid it down on the table. “She may be a little hard to live with the next two weeks,” I said jokingly.
    Leif nodded. “I think you may be right.” He leaned back in his chair. “So, tell me about this community service.” I didn’t want to talk to him about this. I stared down at the notebook in front of me.
    “Well, I’m working as a volunteer at the hospital. Today I read books to kids.” I hoped that was all the information he needed. I peered up at him and the admiration in his eyes made me feel like a terrible person. I hadn’t gone to volunteer because I was concerned about others. I’d gone to find answers. However, I’d found all the answers I was likely to get there. She had just been a kid, but she had spoken like she knew exactly what she was talking about. Tomorrow I thought about talking to the elderly I knew didn’t have much time left to see if any of them would tell me if they had seen this “he” she referred to.
    “You’re one special girl, Pagan Moore, and I’m incredibly lucky,” Leif said, gazing at me with an emotion in his eyes I didn’t deserve.
    I shook my head. “No, I’m as normal as they come. Trust me. Now, let’s get some homework done.” I needed to change the subject before I broke down in tears and admitted what a horrible person I really was. I used Leif as a comfort and I had for so long. Now, I was using sick people to help me find Dank. Would I stop at nothing to find him? Was love meant to be this intense?
    “Okay, this week we are faced with the