Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

out-sides.” “Do anyone's insides and outsides match up?” “I don't know. I'm only me.” “Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.” “But it's worse for me.” “I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him.” “Probably. But it really is worse for me.”
    He sat back in his chair and put his pen on his desk. “Can I ask you a personal question?” “It's a free country.” “Have you noticed any tiny hairs on your scrotum?” “Scrotum.” “The scrotum is the pouch at the base of your penis that holds your testicles.” “My nuts.” “That's right.” “Fascinating.” “Go ahead and take a second to think about it. I can turn around.” “I don't need to think. I don't have tiny hairs on my scrotum.” He wrote something on a piece of paper. “Dr. Fein?” “Howard.” “You told me to tell you when I feel self-conscious.” “Yes.” “I feel self-conscious.” “I'm sorry. I know it was a very personal question. I only asked because sometimes, when our bodies change, we experience dramatic changes in our emotional lives. I was wondering if perhaps some of what you've been experiencing is due to changes in your body.” “It isn't. It's because my dad died the most horrible death that anyone ever could invent.”
    He looked at me and I looked at him. I promised myself that I wouldn't be the first to look away. But, as usual, I was.
    “What would you say to a little game?” “Is it a brain teaser?” “Not really.” “I like brain teasers.” “So do I. But this isn't a brain teaser.” “Bummer.” “I'm going to say a word and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes to mind. You can say a word, a person's name, or even a sound. Whatever. There are no right or wrong answers here. No rules. Should we give it a try?” I said, “Shoot.” He said, “Family.” I said, “Family.” He said, “I'm sorry. I don't think I explained this well. I'll say a word, and you tell me the first thing you think of.” I said, “You said 'family' and I thought of family.” He said, “But let's try not to use the same word. OK?” “OK. I mean, yeah.” “Family.” “Heavy petting.” “Heavy petting?” “It's when a man rubs a woman's VJ with his fingers. Right?” “Yes, that's right. OK. There are no wrong answers. How about safety?” “How about it?” “OK.” “Yeah.” “Bellybutton.” “Bellybutton?” “Bellybutton.” “I can't think of anything but bellybutton.” “Give it a try. Bellybutton.” “Bellybutton doesn't make me think of anything.” “Dig deep.” “In my bellybutton?” “In your brain, Oskar.” “Uh.” “Bellybutton. Bellybutton.” “Stomach anus?” “Good.” “Bad.” “No, I meant, 'Good. You did good.'” “I did well.” “Well.” “Water.” “Celebrate.” “Ruff, ruff.” “Was that a bark?” “Anyway.” “OK. Great.” “Yeah.” “Dirty.” “Bellybutton.” “Uncomfortable.” “Extremely.” “Yellow.” “The color of a yellow person's bellybutton.” “Let's see if we can keep it to one word, though, OK?” “For a game with no rules, this game has a lot of rules.” “Hurt.” “Realistic.” “Cucumber.” “Formica.” “Formica?” “Cucumber?” “Home.” “Where the stuff is.” “Emergency.” “Dad.” “Is your father the cause of the emergency, or the solution to it?” “Both.” “Happiness.” “Happiness. Oops. Sorry.” “Happiness.” “I don't know.” “Try. Happiness.” “Dunno.” “Happiness. Dig.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Happiness, happiness.” “Dr. Fein?” “Howard.” “Howard?” “Yes?” “I'm feeling self-conscious.”
    We spent the rest of the forty-five minutes talking, although I didn't have anything to say to him. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be anywhere that wasn't looking for the lock. When it was almost time for Mom to come in, Dr. Fein said he wanted us to make a plan for how the next week could be better than the last one. He said, “Why don't you tell me some things you think you can do, things to keep in mind. And then next week we'll talk about how successful you were.” “I'll try to go to school.” “Good. Really good. What else?” “Maybe I'll try to be more patient with morons.” “Good. And what else?” “I don't know, maybe I'll try not to ruin things by getting so emotional.” “Anything else?” “I'll try to be nicer to