Fangirl

a crush on him and he was totally unattainable. But I don’t think I could actually be with someone like Levi. It would be like interspecies dating.”
    Reagan let her spoon drop sloppily into her cereal. “What’s wrong with Levi?”
    “Nothing,” Cath said. “He’s just … not like me.”
    “You mean, smart?”
    “Levi’s really smart,” Cath said defensively.
    “I know,” Reagan said, just as defensively.
    “He’s different, ” Cath said. “He’s older. He smokes. And he drinks. And he’s probably had sex. I mean, he looks like he has.”
    Reagan raised her eyebrows like Cath was talking crazy. And Cath thought—not for the first time, but for the first time since last night—that Levi had probably had sex with Reagan.
    “And he likes to be outside,” Cath said, just to change the subject. “And he likes animals. We don’t have anything in common.”
    “You’re making him sound like he’s some rowdy mountain man who, like, smokes cigars and has sex with prostitutes.”
    Cath laughed, despite herself. “Like a dangerous French fur trapper.”
    “He’s just a guy,” Reagan said. “Of course he’s different from you. You’re never going to find a guy who’s exactly like you—first of all, because that guy never leaves his dorm room.…”
    “Guys like Levi don’t date girls like me.”
    “Again—the girl kind?”
    “Guys like Levi date girls like you.”
    “And what does that mean?” Reagan asked, tilting her head.
    “Normal,” Cath said. “Pretty.”
    Reagan rolled her eyes.
    “No,” Cath said, “seriously. Look at you. You’ve got your shit together, you’re not scared of anything. I’m scared of everything. And I’m crazy. Like maybe you think I’m a little crazy, but I only ever let people see the tip of my crazy iceberg. Underneath this veneer of slightly crazy and socially inept, I’m a complete disaster.”
    Reagan rolled her eyes again. Cath made a mental note to stop rolling her eyes at people.
    “What would we do together?” Cath asked. “He’d want to go to the bar, and I’d want to stay home and write fanfiction.”
    “I’m not going to talk you into this,” Reagan said, “especially if you’re going to be stupid. But I will say this: You’re being stupid. He already likes you. He even likes your creepy fanfiction, he won’t stop talking about it. Levi’s just a guy. A really, really good—maybe even the best —guy, and nobody’s saying you have to marry him. So stop making everything so hard, Cath. You kissed him, right? The only question is, do you want to kiss him again?”
    Cath clenched her fists until her fingernails bit into her palms.
    Reagan started stacking the empty dishes on her tray.
    “Why did you break up?” Cath blurted.
    “I kept cheating on him,” Reagan said flatly. “I’m a pretty good friend, but I’m a shitty girlfriend.”
    Cath picked up her tray and followed Reagan to the trash.
    *   *   *
    She didn’t see Levi that night. He worked Wednesday nights. That’s when Cath realized that she knew Levi’s work schedule.
    But he texted her about a party Thursday at his house. “party? thursday? my house?”
    Cath didn’t text him back—she tried to. She kept starting messages and deleting them. She almost sent back just a smiley-face emoticon.
    Reagan got home from work late that night and went straight to bed. Cath was at her desk, writing. “Levi killed our Outsiders quiz,” Reagan said, stifling a yawn.
    Cath smiled down at her laptop. “Did you talk about me?”
    “No. I didn’t think you’d want me to. I told you, I’m a pretty good friend.”
    “Yeah, but you’re more Levi’s friend than mine.”
    “Bros before hos,” Reagan said.
    Before she left the room the next morning, Reagan asked Cath if she wanted to go to Levi’s party.
    “I don’t think so,” Cath said. “I have class Friday morning at eight thirty.”
    “Who registers for a class that meets Friday morning at eight thirty?”
    Cath shrugged.
    She didn’t want to go to Levi’s party. Even though she liked him, she didn’t like parties. And she didn’t want the first time she saw him after what had happened to be at a party. With party people. With any people.
    *   *   *
    Cath was pretty sure she was the only person in Pound Hall tonight. She tried to tell herself that it was kind of cool to have a twelve-story building to herself. Like being trapped in the library overnight.
    This is why I can’t be with