Faster We Burn

saying. I stumbled backward, nearly crashing into my standing bass.
    “Aha!” Trish said, pointing my finger as if she was accusing me of a crime. “You love Katie. That’s why you slept with Ric. Oh, Stryk. You are in so much trouble.” She shook her head sadly and then grinned at me.
    “I do not love her,” I said, nearly choking on the words.
    “Yeah, you do, brother. We may not have twindar, but I I know you pretty well and I know what I see and I know how your mind works.”
    “It’s not like that, Trish. I just fucked her a bunch of times and got tired of it. That’s all.”
    She smirked at me and ran her fingers through her hair, which was fading and needed to be re-colored.
    “Wow. You are so gone. I knew it. I knew it.”
    “You can think whatever you want to think, Trishella, but you’re way off.” I knew using her full name would piss her off and might change the subject.
    “You said you would never call me that again.” Her eyes had gone back to dangerous and narrow. “You swore.”
    “Yeah, well, I lied. Look, I have somewhere to be, so if you don’t mind.” I didn’t, but even if I had to get in my car and drive somewhere random to get rid of her, I’d do it.
    “Okay, okay. Don’t worry, bro, your secret is safe with me.” She got to her feet, and I could hear her laughing to herself as she walked out the door. “By the way, we’re doing a welcome back dinner this weekend, and your attendance is required. See yah.” She wiggled her fingers and vanished down the stairs.
    “Son of a bitch ,” I said.
    Her laugher echoed until I heard the front door close.
    I wasn’t in love with Katie. Okay, I liked having sex with her and laughing with her and that apology dinner had been so sweet. No one had ever done something like that for me. And I still couldn’t get the image of her wearing my shirt and boxers out of my head. But none of that meant I was in love with her.
    I stared around my apartment, and I knew I had to get out of it. I didn’t know where I was going, but I had to get out. To a place that didn’t make me think of Katie.
     
    ***
     
    I ended up at a park downtown. Mostly so I could smoke and walk around without people staring at me. A homeless man shivered on a bench, a woman walked her dog, and a mom played with her kids on the swing set. I huddled in my jacket, pulling the collar up and lit another cigarette.
    My mind ran in circles, and more often than not, those circles led back to one thing.
    Katie.
    What Trish had said pissed me off. What I had done with Ric pissed me off. What Katie had written on my chest pissed me off.
    Everything was pissing me off. One of the kids screamed as his mom gave him a big push. He threw his head back and his arms out, like he was flying. I remembered doing the same thing, only I didn’t have anyone to push me. I’d pushed Trish more times than I could count. Just like the little boy on the swing, she always screamed for me to push her higher. I always did and she’d laugh and pretend she was scared.
    “Don’t worry,” I always told her, “I’ll catch you.”
    The mother caught me watching and her eyebrows knit together in concern. I blew out a smoke ring and walked away from them so she wouldn’t think I was some sort of threat. I paced the park in circles. It seemed like everything was going in circles.
    I’d think I was moving toward something new, something different and I always ended up at the same place, back at the beginning.
    Damn motherfucking circles.
     
    Katie
     
    It was a relief to get back to classes and homework and things that didn’t involve Stryker or feelings or fighting with my mother. My study habits left a lot to be desired, and I knew I had to change. Again.
    “Library?” Lottie said after dinner as we were walking back to the dorm. “Aud’s going to meet us.” She gave Will a look, but he just kept walking, whistling a tune.
    “Yeah, I’m in.” If there was anyone who could push me to stop being a slacker, it was Audrey.
    “You in, Zan?” She tugged on his hand, as if she was trying to get his attention. As if it wasn’t already on her.
    “Sure thing, L.” He tucked her under his arm, and she let herself sink into him, as if he was protecting her from something.
    Maybe he was.
    “You talked to Stryker yet?” she said innocently. I knew she’d been itching to ask me all day.
    “Nope. The point of giving him space is to put space between us, which means not contacting him.