Fear Nothing

been able to handle whatever the world threw at me, son, both the ups and the downs, as long as it was at least interesting . I've had the blessing of a full and varied life, and the only thing I really dread is boredom.” We stepped out of the boat onto the afterdeck, into the clammy embrace of the fog. “Things are liable to get downright hairy here in the jewel of the Central Coast, but whichever way it goes, for damn sure it won't be boring.”
        Roosevelt had more in common with Bobby Halloway than I would have thought.
        “Well, sir… thank you for the advice. I guess.” I sat on the coaming and swung off the boat to the dock a couple of feet below, and Orson leaped down to my side.
        The big blue heron had departed earlier. The fog eddied around me, the black water purled under the boat slip, and all else was as still as a dream of death.
        I had taken only two steps toward the gangway when Roosevelt said, “Son?”
        I stopped and looked back.
        “The safety of your friends really is at stake here. But your happiness is on the line, too. Believe me, You don't want to know more about this. You've got enough problems… the way you have to live.”
        “I don't have any problems,” I assured him. “Just different advantages and disadvantages from most people.”
        His skin was so black that he might have been a mirage in the fog, a trick of shadow. The cat, which he held, was invisible but for his eyes, which appeared to be disembodied, mysterious-bright green orbs floating in midair. “Just different advantages do you really believe that?” he asked.
        “Yes, sir,” I said, although I wasn't sure whether I believed it because it was, in fact, the truth or because I had spent most of my life convincing myself that it was true. A lot of the time, reality is what you make it.
        “I'll tell you one more thing,” he said. “One more thing because it might convince you to let this go and get on with life.”
        I waited.
        At last, with sorrow in his voice, he said, “The reason most of them don't want to harm you, the reason they'd rather try to control you by killing your friends, the reason most of them revere you is because of who your mother was.”
        Fear, as death-white and cold as a Jerusalem cricket, crawled up the small of my back, and for a moment my lungs constricted so that I couldn't draw a breath - although I didn't know why Roosevelt 's enigmatic statement should affect me so instantly and profoundly. Maybe I understood more than I thought I did. Maybe the truth was already waiting to be acknowledged in the canyons of the subconscious-or in the abyss of the heart.
        When I could breathe, I said, “What do you mean?”
        “If you think about it for a while,” he said, “really think about it, maybe you'll realize that you have nothing to gain by pursuing this thing-and so much to lose. Knowledge seldom brings us peace, son. A hundred years ago, we didn't know about atomic structure or DNA or black holes-but are we any happier and more fulfilled now than people were then?”
        As he spoke that final word, fog filled the space where he had stood on the afterdeck. A cabin door closed softly; with a louder sound, a dead bolt was engaged.

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    24
        
        Around the creaking Nostromo , the fog seethed in slow motion. Nightmare creatures appeared to form out of the mist, loom, and then dissolve.
        Inspired by Roosevelt Frost's final revelation, more fearful things than fog monsters took shape from the mists in my mind, but I was reluctant to concentrate on them and thereby impart to them a greater solidity. Maybe he was right. If I learned everything I wanted to know, I might wish I had remained ignorant of the truth.
        Bobby says that truth is sweet but dangerous. He says people couldn't bear to go on living if they faced every cold truth about themselves.
        In that case, I tell him, he'll never be suicidal.
        As Orson preceded me up the gangway from the slip, I considered my options, trying to decide where to go and what to do next. There was a siren singing, and only I could hear her dangerous song; though I was afraid of wrecking on the rocks of truth, this hypnotic melody was one I couldn't resist.
        When we reached the top of the gangway, I said to my dog, “So… anytime you want to start explaining all this to me, I'm ready to listen.”
        Even if