Fireproof

she’d ever met. There were times when he looked at her and she felt as though he could see so deep inside her that he must have gotten a glimpse of her soul. He understood her, sometimes more than she understood herself. And for the last several months what she had started to feel for him scared the hell out of her.
    He offered to take her home. Her car was still at the fire site and she asked if he would drop her there instead. Besides, she wanted to get back to the investigation. She didn’t want Kunze to have any more ammunition against her than this little trip to the ER had already given him.
    Ben suggested breakfast first. Before he could slip back into his role as doctor, Maggie asked, “Are you sure you have time? You look dressed for something important.”
    She wanted to lighten the mood and almost added, Who died? Then she was very glad she had not, when Ben said he had a funeral to attend later. Another soldier, another comrade coming home in a box.
    She didn’t know how he stayed strong and positive with so much death around him. She told him that once and he said he wondered the same thing about her.
    “But my dead people are usually strangers,” Maggie had told him. Which wasn’t exactly true. By the time she closed the file on a murder case she often knew more about the victim than his or her family did. And sometimes the victims had been people she knew. Always, she knew much more about the killers than she ever cared to know.
    She chose the McDonald’s just off the interstate. Maggie let Ben order while she found a quiet corner table where she could sit with her back to the wall. It was an old compulsion, one she hadn’t recognized until she started sharing meals in restaurants with Ben. He wanted to do the same thing—they laughed the first time they realized each of them wanted—needed—to sit where they could see the doors and where no one could come up from behind them.
    They were quite the pair: a woman who expected killers in every corner and a soldier who looked for grenades or suicide bombers. And yet the similarities were a surprising comfort to Maggie. She’d never met a man who understood her so well and, more surprisingly, who accepted her and all the insane components that made her who she was. But this morning there wasa disarming quiet between them. She knew he was disappointed that her first instinct hadn’t been to call him.
    It wouldn’t help to explain. He knew the reason and grudgingly even accepted it. That didn’t mean he had to like it. Being a loner and being alone were two separate things. Maggie had been alone since her divorce but she’d been a loner since she was twelve. She had learned back then not to count on anyone other than herself. If you didn’t count on anyone, they couldn’t let you down. More important, they couldn’t hurt you.
    She watched Ben standing in line from across the room. He was so damned handsome. She glanced around, noticing the looks he was getting from the other women customers. There was something so graceful in the way he moved, broad shoulders back, chin up, eyes intense and aware of the surroundings.
    Racine said he was too “spit and polish,” but after working with Ben on a school contamination case last fall, even Racine had a new respect for him. The uniform did make him look pressed and proper, but Maggie had seen him out of uniform enough to know that this man had a keen sense of who he was and what he valued, and he knew it without the uniform, without a stitch of clothing on.
    That’s when it hit her. The obvious smacking her in the face. Ben didn’t consider a phone call from her a courtesy or an obligation. He hoped it would be an extension of herself. An instinct, second nature. Of course he did.
    And why wasn’t it?
    Was she simply not capable of allowing someone else to be a part of her?
    She watched him let a mother with a little girl go in line beforehim. She saw him smile down at the girl. The mother looked like she was giving her daughter instructions to thank him.
    Even from across the restaurant Maggie could see the sadness in his face. That was where the major difference lay between them, like a thick wedge. Both of them had scars from their pasts, but the hole Ben’s daughter, Ali, had left in his heart was not one Maggie would ever be able to repair.
    For the first time Maggie realized this was why she hadn’t called, why she hadn’t allowed him to get any closer. Rather than lose him, she