G Is for Gumshoe

Coca-Cola, which she consumes throughout the day. You'd think that would offend the health nuts, but it doesn't seem to cause dismay. She's tall, probably a hundred and forty pounds, a redhead who wears glasses with big round lenses, tinted gray. I know none of this sounds like the girl of your dreams, but there's something about her that's apparently tough to resist. She's not in any way promiscuous, but if she goes to the supermarket, some guy will strike up a conversation with her and end up dating her for months. When the relationship's over, they usually remain such good friends that she'll match him up with someone she knows.
    She was not at her desk. I can usually track her by the smell of cigarette smoke, but today I was having trouble picking up the scent. I cleared a chair and sat down, taking a few minutes to flip through a handbook on insurance fraud. Wherever there's money, somebody finds a way to cheat.
    "Hello, Kinsey. What are you up to?"
    Vera came into the cubicle and tossed a file onto her desk. She was dressed in a denim jumpsuit with shoulder pads and a wide leather belt. She sat down in her swivel chair, reaching automatically into her bottom drawer where she keeps an insulated cold pack filled with Cokes. She took out a fresh bottle and held it up as a way of offering me one.
    I shook my head.
    She said, "Guess what?"
    "I'm afraid to ask."
    "Take a look around and tell me what you see."
    I love this kind of quiz. It reminds me of that game we used to play at birthday parties in elementary school where somebody's mom would present a tray of odds and ends, which we got to look at for one minute and then recite back from memory. It's the only kind of party game I ever won. I surveyed her desk. Same old mess as far as I could see. Files everywhere, insurance manuals, correspondence piled up. Two empty Coke bottles… "No cigarette butts," I said. "Where's the ashtray?"
    "I quit."
    "I don't believe it. When?"
    "Yesterday. I woke up feeling punk, coughing my lungs out. I was out of cigarettes, so there I am on my hands and knees, picking through the trash for a butt big enough to light. Of course I can't find one. I know I'm going to have to throw some clothes on, grab my car keys, and whip down to the corner before I can even have my first Coke. And I thought, to hell with it. I've had it. I'm not going to do this to myself anymore. So I quit. That was thirty-one hours ago."
    "Vera, that's great. I'm really proud of you."
    "Thanks. It feels good. I keep wishing I could have a cigarette to celebrate. Stick around. You can watch me hyperventilate every seven minutes when the urge comes up. What are you up to?"
    "I'm on my way home," I said. "I just stopped by to say hi. I'll be gone tomorrow and we'd talked about having lunch."
    "Shoot, too bad. I was looking forward to it. I was going to fix you up."
    "Fix me up? Like a blind date?" This news was about as thrilling to me as the notion of periodontal work.
    "Don't use that tone, kiddo. This guy's perfect for you."
    "I'm afraid to ask you what that means," I said.
    "It means he isn't married like someone I could name." Her reference was to Jonah Robb, whose on-again, off-again marriage had been a source of conflict. I'd been involved with him intermittently since the previous fall, but the high had long since worn off.
    "There's nothing wrong with that relationship," I said.
    "Of course there is," she snapped. "He's never there when you need him. He's always off with what's-her-face at some counseling session."
    "Well, that's true enough." Jonah and Camilla seemed to move from therapist to therapist, switching every time they got close to a resolution of any kind; "conflict habituated," I think it's called. They'd been together since seventh grade and were apparently addicted to the dark side of love.
    "He's never going to leave her," Vera said.
    "That's probably true, too, but who gives a shit?"
    "You do and you know it."
    "No, I don't," I said. "I'll tell you the truth. I really don't have room in my life for much more than I've got. I don't want a big, hot love affair. Jonah's a good friend and he comes through for me often enough…"
    "Boy, are you out of touch."
    "I don't want your rejects, Vera. That's the point."
    "This is not a reject. It's more like a referral."
    "You want to make a sales pitch? I can tell you want to make a sales pitch. Go ahead. Fill me in. I can hardly wait."
    "He's perfect."
    " 'Perfect.' Got it," I said, pretending to