Guards! Guards!

see why,” muttered Brother Doorkeeper. “You don’t have to have a grand title like that. You could just be called something like, well…Rituals Monitor.”
    “Yeah,” said Brother Plasterer. “Don’t see why you should give yourself airs. You ain’t even been taught the ancient and mystic mysteries by monks, or anything.”
    “We’ve been hanging around for hours, too,” said Brother Doorkeeper. “That’s not right. I thought we’d get rewarded—”
    Brother Watchtower realized that he was losing control. He tried wheedling diplomacy.
    “I’m sure Supreme Grand Master will be along directly,” he said. “Let’s not spoil it all now, eh? Lads? Arranging that fight with the dragon and everything, getting it all off right, that was something, wasn’t it? We’ve been through a lot, right? It’s worth waiting just a bit longer, okay?”
    The circle of robed and cowled figures shuffled in grudging agreement.
    “Okay.”
    “Fair enough.”
    “Yeah.”
    C ERTAINLY .
    “Okay.”
    “If you say so.”
    It began to creep over Brother Watchtower that something wasn’t right, but he couldn’t quite put a name to it.
    “Uh,” he said. “Brothers?”
    They, too, shifted uneasily. Something in the room was setting their teeth on edge. There was an atmosphere.
    “Brothers,” repeated Brother Watchtower, trying to re-assert himself, “we are all here, aren’t we?”
    There was a worried chorus of agreement.
    “Of course we are.”
    “What’s the matter?”
    “Yes!”
    Y ES .
    “Yes.”
    There it was again, a subtle wrongness about things that you couldn’t quite put your finger on because your finger was too scared. But Brother Watchtower’s troublesome thoughts were interrupted by a scrabbling sound on the roof. A few nubs of plaster dropped into the circle.
    “Brothers?” repeated Brother Watchtower nervously.
    Now there was one of those silent sounds, a long, buzzing silence of extreme concentration and just possibly the indrawing of breath into lungs the size of haystacks. The last rats of Brother Watchtower’s self-confidence fled the sinking ship of courage.
    “Brother Doorkeeper, if you could just unbolt the dread portal—” he quavered.
    And then there was light.
    There was no pain. There was no time.
    Death strips away many things, especially when it arrives at a temperature hot enough to vaporize iron, and among them are your illusions. The immortal remains of Brother Watchtower watched the dragon flap away into the fog, and then looked down at the congealing puddle of stone, metal and miscellaneous trace elements that was all that remained of the secret headquarters. And of its occupants, he realized in the dispassionate way that is part of being dead. You go through your whole life and end up a smear swirling around like cream in a coffee cup. Whatever the gods’ games were, they played them in a damn mysterious way.
    He looked up at the hooded figure beside him.
    “We never intended this,” he said weakly. “Honestly. No offense. We just wanted what was due to us.”
    A skeletal hand patted him on the shoulder, not unkindly.
    And Death said, C ONGRATULATIONS .

    Apart from the Supreme Grand Master, the only Elucidated Brother to be away at the time of the dragon was Brother Fingers. He’d been sent out for some pizzas. Brother Fingers was always the one sent out for takeaway food. It was cheaper. He’d never bothered to master the art of paying for things.
    When the guards rolled up just behind Errol, Brother Fingers was standing with a stack of cardboard boxes in his hands and his mouth open.
    Where the dread portal should have been was a warm melted patch of assorted substances.
    “Oh, my goodness,” said Lady Ramkin.
    Vimes slid down from the coach and tapped Brother Fingers on the shoulder.
    “Excuse me, sir,” he said, “did you by any chance see what—”
    When Brother Fingers turned toward him his face was the face of a man who has hang-glided over the entrance to Hell. He kept opening and shutting his mouth but no words were coming out.
    Vimes tried again. The sheer terror frozen in Brother Fingers’s expression was getting to him.
    “If you would be so kind to accompany me to the Yard,” said Vimes, “I have reason to believe that you—” He hesitated. He wasn’t entirely certain what it was that he had reason to believe. But the man was clearly guilty. You could tell just by looking at him. Not, perhaps, guilty of anything specific. Just