Hogfather

thinking, entirely relative terms. Most of his relatives, for example, were criminals. But, again, this invitation to philosophical debate was ambushed somewhere in his head by sheer dread of the big beard in the sky.
    “’s,” he squeaked.
    N OW , I WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE ?
    Nobby gave up, and sat mute. Whatever was going to happen next was going to happen, and there was not a thing he could do about it…Right now, the light at the end of his mental tunnel showed only more tunnel.
    A H, YES …
    The Hogfather reached into his sack and pulled out an awkwardly shaped present wrapped in festive Hogswatch paper which, owing to some slight confusion on the current Hogfather’s part, had merry ravens on it. Corporal Nobbs took it in nervous hands.
    W HAT DO YOU SAY ?
    “’nk you.”
    O FF YOU GO .
    Corporal Nobbs slid down gratefully and barged his way through the crowds, stopping only when he was fielded by Constable Visit.
    “What happened? What happened? I couldn’t see!”
    “I dunno,” mumbled Nobby. “He gave me this .”
    “What is it.”
    “I dunno…”
    He clawed at the raven-bedecked paper.
    “This is disgusting, this whole business,” said Constable Visit. “It’s the worship of idols—”
    “ It’s a genuine Burleigh and Stronginthearm double-action triple-cantilever crossbow with a polished walnut stock and engraved silver facings !”
    “—a crass commercialization of a date which is purely of astronomical significance,” said Visit, who seldom paid attention when he was in mid-denounce. “If it is to be celebrated at all, then—”
    “ I saw this in Bows and Ammo! It got Editor’s Choice in the ‘What to Buy When Rich Uncle Sidney Dies’ category! They had to break both the reviewer’s arms to get him to let go of it !”
    “—ought to be commemorated in a small service of—”
    “ It must cost more’n a year’s salary! They only make ’em to order! You have to wait ages !”
    “—religious significance.” It dawned on Constable Visit that something behind him was amiss.
    “Aren’t we going to arrest this impostor, corporal?” he said.
    Corporal Nobbs looked blearily at him through the mists of possessive pride.
    “You’re foreign, Washpot,” he said. “I can’t expect you to know the real meaning of Hogswatch.”

    The oh god blinked.
    “Ah,” he said. “That’s better. Oh, yes . That’s a lot better. Thank you.”
    The wizards, who shared the raven’s belief in the essential narrative conventions of life, watched him cautiously.
    “Any minute now,” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes confidently, “it’ll probably start with some kind of amusing yell—”
    “You know,” said the oh god, “I think I could just possibly eat a soft-boiled egg.”
    “—or maybe the ears spinning round—”
    “And perhaps drink a glass of milk,” said the oh god.
    Ridcully looked nonplussed.
    “You really feel better?” he said.
    “Oh, yes,” said the oh god. “I really think I could risk a smile without the top of my head falling off.”
    “No, no, no,” said the Dean. “This can’t be right. Everyone knows that a good hangover cure has got to involve a lot of humorous shouting, ekcetra.”
    “I could possibly tell you a joke,” said the oh god carefully.
    “You don’t have this pressing urge to run outside and stick your head in a water butt?” said Ridcully.
    “Er…not really,” said the oh god. “But I’d like some toast, if that helps.”
    The Dean took off his hat and pulled a thaumameter out of the point. “ Something happened,” he said. “There was a massive thaumic surge.”
    “Didn’t it even taste a bit…well, spicy?” said Ridcully.
    “It didn’t taste of anything, really,” said the oh god.
    “Oh, look, it’s obvious,” said Susan. “When the God of Wine drinks, Bilious here gets the aftereffects, so when the God of Hangovers drinks a hangover cure then the effects must jump back across the same link.”
    “That could be right,” said the Dean. “He is, after all, basically a conduit.”
    “I’ve always thought of myself as more of a tube,” said the oh god.
    “No, no, she’s right,” said Ridcully. “When he drinks, this lad here gets the nasty result. So, logically, when our friend here takes a hangover cure the side effects should head back the same way—”
    “Someone mentioned a crystal ball just now,” said the oh god in a voice suddenly clanging with vengeance. “I want to see