How to be a Brit

more, he has improved Apollinaire’s and Aragon’s primitive technique by
the fact that he does use question marks. (The generous and extravagant
praise of T. B. Williams is absolutely essential, otherwise who will praise you?)
    As to your own literary
activities, your poems, dramas and great novels may lie at the bottom of your
drawer in manuscript form. But it is important that you should publish a few
literary reviews, scolding and disparaging everything and everybody on earth
from a very superior and high-brow point of view, quoting Sir Thomas Wyatt and
anything in French and letting the reader feel what you would be able to
do if you could only find a publisher.

    (Some practical advice. It
is not difficult to have a few literary reviews published. Many weeklies and
monthlies would publish anything in their so-called literary columns, if it
costs nothing. You must not call your action unfair competition with qualified
reviewers; call it devotion to the ‘cause.’ Almost every paper has a cause — if
yours has not, invent one, it is quite easy. And it really does not matter what
you write. I remember one B.I. writing of a significant philosophical work and
admitting in the opening sentence that he did not understand it; still, I
suppose the review passed as buoyant and alarmingly sincere.)
    Politically you must belong
to the extreme left. You must, however, bear a few things in mind:
     
    1. You must not care a damn
about the welfare of the people in this country or abroad, because that would
be ‘practical politics’ — and you should only be interested in the ideological
side of matters.
    2. Do not belong to any
party, because that would be ‘regimentation.’ Whatever different parties
achieve, it is much more interesting to criticize everyone than to belong to
the herd.
    3. Do not hesitate to scorn
Soviet Russia as reactionary and imperialistic, the British Labour Party as a
conglomeration of elderly Trade Union Blimps, the French Socialists as
‘confused people,’ the other Western Socialist parties as meek, bourgeois
clubs, the American labour movements as being in the pay of big business; and
call all republicans, communists, anarchists and nihilists ‘backward,
reactionary crypto-fascists.’
     
    You should also invent a
few truly original, constructive theories too, such as:
    Only Brahmanism can save
the world.
    Spiritualism is a factor,
growing immensely in importance, and a practical, working coalition between
ghosts and Trotskyites would be highly desirable.
    The abolition of all
taxation would enrich the population so enormously that everybody would be able
to pay much more taxes than before.
    Finally, remember the main
point. Always be original I It is not as difficult as it sounds: you
just have to copy the habits and sayings of a few thousand other B.I.s.

MAYFAIR PLAYBOY
     
    Fix the little word de in front of your name. It has a remarkable attraction. I knew a certain Leo
Rosenberg from Graz who called himself Lionel de Rosenberg and was a huge
success in Deanery Mews as a Tyrolean nobleman.
    Believe that the aim of
life is to have a nice time, go to nice places and meet nice people. (Now: to
have a nice time means to have two more drinks daily than you can carry; nice
places are the halls of great hotels, intimate little clubs, night clubs and
private houses with large radiograms and no bookshelves; nice people are those
who say silly things in good English — nasty people are those who drop clever
remarks as well as their aitches.)
    In the old days the man who
had no money was not considered a gentleman. In the era of an enlightened
Mayfair this attitude has changed. A gentleman may have money or may sponge on
his friends; the criterion of a gentleman is that however poor he may be he
still refuse to do useful work.
    You have to develop your
charm with the greatest care. Always laugh at everybody’s jokes — but be
careful to tell a joke from a serious and profound observation. Be polite in a
teasing, nonchalant manner. Sneer at everything you are not intelligent enough
to understand. You may flirt with anybody’s wife, but respect the ties of
illegitimate friendships — unless you have a really good opportunity which it
would be such a pity to miss. Don’t forget that well-pressed trousers,
carefully knotted ties and silk shirts are the greatest of all human values. Never be sober after 6.30 p.m.

     

HOW TO BE A FILM PRODUCER
     
    A
little foreign
blood is very