How to be a Brit

the Continent prayed: ‘God, even if I
have to be hit and maimed, please spare my life.’ The English said: ‘If I have
to die, well, I couldn’t care less. But I don’t want to be made an invalid and
I don’t want to suffer.’ Foreign insurance agents speak of ‘certain
possibilities’ and the ‘eventuality’ that ‘something might happen to you’; the
English make careful calculations and the thought that the insurance company
will have to pay up always sweetens their last hours. Nowhere in the world do
people make so many cruel jokes about the aged and the weak as here. In
Continental families you simply do not refer to the fact that a parent or a
grandparent is not immortal. But not long ago my two children burst into my
room and asked me:
    ‘Daddy, which of us will
get your camera when you die?’
    ‘I’ll let you know,’ I
replied. ‘By the way, I am sorry to be still alive. It’s not my fault. I can’t
help it.’
    They were a little hurt.
    ‘Don’t be silly. We don’t
really mind at all. We only wanted to know who’ll get the camera.’
    And when the moment comes,
the English make no fuss. Dead or alive, they hate being conspicuous or saying
anything unconventional. They are not a great people for famous last words.
    I shall never forget the
poor gentleman who once travelled with me on the Channel boat. Only the two of
us were on deck as a violent storm was raging. A tremendous gale was lashing
mountainous seas. We huddled there for a while, without saying anything.
Suddenly a fearful gust blew him overboard. His head emerged just once from the
water below me. He looked at me calmly and remarked somewhat casually:
    ‘Rather windy, isn’t it?’
     

ON BEING UNFAIR
     
    Britain
— to its true
glory — is the only country in the world where the phrase, ‘it isn’t fair,’
still counts as an argument. The word fair exists in no other language
and if something vaguely similar does exist, it conjures up utterly different
notions. The English themselves are not quite clear as to what fair really means. I have two famous dictionaries in front of me — both renowned for
their brief and lucid definitions — but they are rather unsatisfactory on this
particular word. They say between them that, fair (adj.) is: of moderate
quality, not bad, pretty good, favourable, promising, gentle, unobstructed,
frank, honest, just, not effected by insidious or unlawful methods, not foul,
civil, pleasing, honourable, etc., etc. Well fair enough. But fair is
really something more and also much less. If something strikes the Englishman
as not quite in order for one reason or another, not quite equitable, then the
thing just ‘isn’t fair’.
    Use the argument, ‘this
isn’t fair,’ to any Continental and he will gape at you without any sign of
understanding. Who the hell wants to be fair?
    On the other hand, tell an
Englishman that he is stupid — and he will smile benevolently; tell him that he
is obstinate, insular, selfish, cruel, uneducated, ignorant and his neck is
dirty to begin with — he will shrug his shoulders. But tell him that he isn’t
fair and he will be pained and angered. Tell a legislator that his bill or
programme will create a bloody revolution and he will be undeterred; but prove
to him that it is genuinely unfair to one group or another and he will abandon
it. Or face an English assassin with a chopper in his hand and warn him that
should he dare to kill you he will be hanged — he will kill you without any
further ado and argument. It is only fair that a criminal should take a chance;
that is in the nature of his chosen profession. But convince him that it is unfair
to rob you and he will take his cap and leave. He does not greatly mind being
hanged; but no English robber and murderer worthy of the name would tolerate
the stigma of being unfair.

     
     

ON MINDING ONE’S OWN BUSINESS
     
    This
is one of the
basic English virtues. It is not to be interpreted as really minding your own
business (getting on with your job, keeping your promises, etc); it simply
means that you are not to interfere with others. If a man happens to be
standing on your foot in the bus, you must not ask him to get off, since it is
clearly his business where he chooses to stand; if your neighbour’s television
or radio is blaring military marches till midnight, you may not remonstrate
with him because it is his business what he pleases to listen to and at what
time; if you are walking peacefully