Idiopathy

silence while Angelica processed this; a moment during which Daniel felt another little swell of excitement.
Take that
, he felt like saying. It lasted approximately a second, however, because as soon as Angelica gathered a breath and spoke, he knew exactly how hurt she was, and how stupid it was to have caused that hurt.
    ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘I …’
    Angelica wasn’t angry, Daniel thought with a sinking feeling. How could he be angry if she wasn’t angry? He felt suddenly deflated and pathetic, and even more angry with Katherine.
    ‘It’s not what you think,’ said Daniel, slightly hopelessly. ‘I mean, Nathan’s here too.’
    ‘Who’s Nathan?’
    ‘Our friend, you know, from before.’
    ‘You and Katherine’s friend.’
    ‘Yeah. An old friend.’
    ‘Who else is there?’
    ‘No one.’
    ‘So, it’s the three of you.’
    ‘Yeah.’
    ‘Just sitting around.’
    ‘Pretty much, yeah.’
    ‘You and Katherine. And Nathan.’
    ‘Yeah, but that makes it sound like …’
    ‘And was this some sort of spontaneous thing, or has it been arranged for a while?’
    ‘A few days, really,’ said Daniel. ‘I was going to tell you.’
    ‘You were going to tell me and then something stopped you?’
    ‘No. I was going to tell you and then …’
    He broke off, unable to determine exactly why he hadn’t told her, or more specifically, to what extent his reasons for not telling her would, if expressed, utterly undermine what was left of his standing.
    ‘Is there something going on?’ said Angelica, her voice timid. ‘Because if there is you should just tell me.’
    Daniel sat up on the bed. ‘There’s nothing going on,’ he said, and it was only in saying it that he realised it was true. ‘There is really, honestly, nothing going on.’
    ‘Then why would you …’
    ‘Nathan tried to kill himself,’ said Daniel. He hadn’t been intending to say it. He felt cornered. It was said, although he could barely bring himself to admit it, in defence.
    ‘Oh God,’ said Angelica. ‘I’m so sorry. When? Recently?’
    Daniel took a moment to answer. Through the fog of the weed; his anger; his guilt, the dim thought flickered in his mind that he was doing something that it would take a considerable amount of circuitous and dishonest thinking to defend even to himself.
    ‘A while ago,’ he said. ‘We didn’t know at the time. We thought he’d gone off somewhere. He got back in touch and asked to see us.’
    ‘Oh baby,’ said Angelica. ‘How does he seem now?’
    ‘Well …’ said Daniel. ‘I don’t know really.’
    ‘And what about you? How are you? It must be such a difficult thing to try and process.’
    ‘Um … Yeah,’ said Daniel. ‘It’s …’ Was he going to say it? He was, he thought. He actually was. ‘It’s been kind of hard to take in.’
    ‘I’m so sorry,’ said Angelica. ‘That’s awful. But I think it’s really amazing you haven’t backed off from it. You know? Like, a lot of people would have tried to distance themselves, but you’ve got him straight round to the house, and you’ve obviously set aside so much shit with Katherine so the two of you can help him. I’m so proud of you. I’m really sorry I misunderstood.’
    ‘It’s … That’s OK,’ said Daniel. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.’
    ‘It’s fine,’ said Angelica. ‘Honestly. I understand. Look, I’ll be home soon, OK? But if you guys still need some space …’
    ‘No, no,’ said Daniel. ‘It’s fine. Honestly. Are you OK? I love you.’
    ‘I’m fine,’ she said. ‘I love you too and I’ve missed you.’
    ‘I’ve missed you too,’ said Daniel, realising as he said it that he had.
    ‘See you in a bit,’ said Angelica.
    ‘Yeah,’ said Daniel.
    He put his phone on the duvet beside him and rubbed his temples. The adrenalin had barged aside most of the effects of the joint, and now he felt only a kind of dull fatigue. He was, he thought, loading himself down. Everything he said, everything he thought, was just another brick in the ever-expanding hod of lies and shortcomings and fears that he carried around daily, minute by minute, and continually tried to pass on to someone else, anyone else, who looked like they might be stupid enough to take it. Or, no, he thought, that wasn’t right. Not stupid. Kind.
Kind
enough to take it. Angelica wasn’t stupid, she was kind, and the kinder she was, the less he felt he deserved her, and the less he felt he deserved her the more he