I'll Be Here

do is hang my silver framed Chagal print in its new location just above the bureau.  When I was little it was always on the wall by the front door—even at our old loft.  I would stare up at it and try to fathom the secrets buried beneath the dense colors.  It made me think of sunlit parks and mythological creatures and of something else… possibility .  One day when I came home from school it was just gone, replaced by a handmade paper collage that Mom bought with Brooke at an art show.  I found it in the hall closet, leaning against a deflated volleyball.  It’s been in my room ever since. 
    Ferdinand has found a spot in the new arrangement and he looks up from his paws to stare at me while I lean against the wall and study my work.  He seems satisfied and so am I.  It’s the same but different.  In a good way.
    My phone vibrates and chirps as I’m spreading cream cheese on a bagel for a late lunch.  It’s Taylor calling me.  She probably feels like a shitty friend after our last conversation.  The thought makes me slightly less sad. 
    “Hey,” I say and take a bite of my bagel. 
    Taylor launches into a tirade about how her head is still killing her and how she ruined a new pair of shoes at the party.  She explains that Roland and his girlfriend Hannah got into this huge fight over the way she was looking at some older guy that was their waiter the other night and that Hannah ended up shoving him into the pool.  I laugh imagining the look on his face.  Go Hannah.  I’d always thought of her as one of those boneless clichéd blondes.  Who would have thought she’d turn out to be such a badass?
    “Other than that, it was pretty uneventful,” she says.
    I clear my throat and ask the question.  The only thing I really want to know.  The thing I know that I shouldn’t want to know.  “Uh.  Was Dustin there?” 
    Taylor is clearly uncomfortable.  I imagine her splayed out on her bed with her light hair fanned around her, wincing at my mention of Dustin.  I have to remind myself that he’s her good friend.  She probably doesn’t know how to act about this.  “Yeah, Willow.  He was there.”
    “Er.  Was he—uhhh—having a good time?”  What’s with all my mumbling?
    Taylor sighs noisily.  “I don’t know.  I mean, this whole thing is sort of weird for me.  Obviously I’m sorry that this all happened, but you’ll be okay, right?  I mean, it’s not like you guys weren’t having problems.”
    What????
    Panic registers in my chest.  Full-blown panic.  I can actually feel my heart clenching and unclenching.  Taylor keeps talking, oblivious to my skyrocketing pulse and the fireworks going off in my head.  “And, we’re getting older, high school’s almost over and it’s time to start really thinking about college and what we want there.  Things are going to change.  They just are.”
    “I guess, but—”
                 Taylor interrupts before I can finish the thought.  “Dustin said that you’ve been growing apart for awhile.  This is the natural next step, right?”
                I’m spinning.  Does she want me to confirm that he said that to her or that I think it’s true?  A part of me wants to yell at her to shut up but the rest of me is desperate for her to tell me more.  I feel that familiar burning sensation in the back of my throat and I know that tears can’t be far away. 
    “I don’t know,” I’m practically whispering.  “I think there’s somebody else.  Another girl.”
                “Does it make a difference?”  I try not to cringe at the slight note of annoyance that I can hear in her voice.  “Willow, if you and Dustin weren’t working out, then it was already over and whether or not he’s been with somebody else isn’t even relevant.”
                It isn’t?
                “It would have ended the same way and it’s not like Dustin is a bad guy.  I know he feels awful about the break-up, but this is the real world and people move on.”  She chuckles.  “We’re young, we’ve got our whole lives to feel guilty and stress about this sort of thing.  Right now we’re supposed to have fun and follow our hearts.  You don’t want to begrudge Dustin his happiness.  That would make you a bitter ex-girlfriend and that’s not you Willow.  Don’t you agree?”
                I have no idea if I agree or not but I can’t argue with her logic