I'll Be Here

behind me.  I hear other voices but they’re coming at me in faraway echoes like we’re underwater. 
    I am flying—building up speed across the field, the intersection of thrumming cars, and down the curving sidewalk.  
    I know that I parked in Visitor Lot B, but who the hell knows where that is?  I realize too late that I didn’t pay attention as Sarah and I walked over to the lacrosse fields and now I’m completely lost.  I’m going to have to call Jake back and my mom is going to ask how it went with Alex and I’m going to have to explain that I didn’t even get one word out before bailing.
    Breathing hard, I slump onto a bench, thankful for tree shade and a deserted campus.  I guess Saturday before lunch is not exactly a bustling time for college students.  Good.  Alone is the perfect way to be miserable. 
    I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to calm my hurried blood and keep my tears from falling.
    What was I thinking coming here?
    Alex is probably still back by the bleachers laughing about me with all of his friends.  Yeah, she’s still in high school.  It’s pathetic.  She drove all the way up here to throw herself at me.      
                He’s right.  I am pathetic. 
                This is Dustin all over again.  I didn’t pick up on the clues and now I’m sitting here, my eyes trilling with watery shame, all sweaty and gross, with the drive home still ahead of me. 
    I focus on breathing properly.
    In. Out. In.
    Good.
    I count to ten.
    One, two, three, four, five…
    Good.
    … Eight, nine, ten.
    I clench and unclench my hands, forcing my fingers to stretch into the air. 
    Good.
    By the time I’ve finished this routine, the drumming in my ears has quieted and I can hear the sounds of the air softly filtering through the branches overhead, and voices, and a faraway siren. 
                When I blink and focus in front of me, two stars—clear and blue and soulful, are looking back.
    “I… I—”  Actually, I’ve forgotten how to breathe which makes talking sort of a challenge.
     The wide sky blares beyond him, casting a grey shadow over his face.  Alex is crouched low on the sidewalk in front of the bench where I’m sitting.  His shirt is still off and I have to force my eyes up from his muscular stomach.  He lifts his right hand and cradles my head in his palm.  When he leans in and brushes his warm lips against my forehead, my breath hitches and my heart takes off.  It goes up, up, up and away!  Birds start chirping.  I wish that I had an armful of confetti that I could toss into the air.
    “I can’t believe you’re here,” he says so quietly that I almost don’t hear him, but I do and even though I am biting my bottom lip, I’m also smiling. 
    Alex treats me to one of his rare full-on grins and moments pass in silence while we stare at each other grinning like fools. 
    I let my fingers and thumbs roam the delectable planes of his chest up to his face where I rest all ten pads of my fingers against the stubble that dusts his jaw. 
    “God, Alex I am so, so sorry,” I tell him, my eyes brimming with tears and my head moving subtly back and forth.  “What you saw with Dustin wasn’t what you think!  He asked me to meet him and I should never have agreed to it, but I did and I’m sorry.  But, everything with him is over.  Completely.  I only want you.”
    I’m talking so fast that all the air has whooshed out of my lungs.  I’m practically shivering with nerves.  Alex is still looking at me like he’s not sure what to do with me and I try not to fall apart.  After what feels like an eternity he lifts his hand and cups it around the back of my neck.  He pulls me to him so that my head is tucked into the space between his chin and his collarbone.  He’s got a twinge of sweaty boy smell to him.  Is it weird that I think it’s sexy? 
    “It doesn’t even matter,” he whispers and gently kisses me just below my ear.  I shudder.  “All week I’ve been thinking about how I fucked this up by running away, but I was afraid…”  Alex stiffens and takes a deep breath. 
    “I was afraid that you were still using me to get Dustin back and I couldn’t take that.”  When he pulls back and ducks his head so that we are eye level, I see the earnestness in his gaze.  “I can’t take being just some rebound or a means to an end.  I—” 
    I cut him off placing my finger over the soft skin of his lips.