In the After

visit. He said it was too upsetting for you. Maybe she’ll come again when you’re more stable.” She takes the empty cup, absently looking at her clipboard .
    “And my mother?”
    “Your mother is a very busy woman. She doesn’t have time to visit every day.”
    I try to concentrate. My mother has always been busy, but she’d make time to see me, wouldn’t she? Someone came today, but I can’t remember who exactly. They held my hand .
    “Who was here earlier?” I ask .
    She looks up at me, sharply. “That was Richard . . . you know, Rice. You had a very nice visit with him. He likes you very much.”
    “Yes, yes.” I burrow back under my covers. I like having visitors, even if I don’t always remember who they are .
    “And what about Vivian? When did she come last?” I stop myself, thinking. “She hasn’t been to see me at all, has she?”
    Dr. Thorpe stops and sucks in a breath. “You don’t remember?”
    I shake my head while she studies me for a moment, then turns slightly and touches her earpiece .
    “Ms. Harris is not responding as well to her medication as we had first hoped.” She talks about me as if I’m not here. Maybe I’m not. “We should start her shock treatments as soon as possible.”
    I take a deep breath, trying to keep my anxiety in check. “When?” I ask quietly. Either Dr. Thorpe doesn’t hear me, or she ignores me. I stand, agitated, knocking into her and making her drop her clipboard on the floor. She backs away from me with a frightened look on her face. “Sorry.” I sit back down. “I didn’t mean . . .”
    “It’s all right, Amy. You’re not well.” She retrieves her clipboard from the floor. “We’ll talk more about your treatment another time,” she tells me before she leaves the room .
    The door shuts with a loud thud, followed by a single click. I stand slowly and go to the door, trying the handle. It’s been locked from the outside. Retreating to my bed, I place my head under the pillow and sob myself to sleep .
    • • •
    “SURPRISE!”
    We walked into the cafeteria and a roomful of people shouted at us. I let go of Baby’s hand so she could cover her ears. I was still in shock when my mother came over to hug me.
    “I knew you could do it,” she whispered in my ear. “Advanced Theory! I’m very proud.”
    She introduced me to her colleagues and other Class Five students she must have deemed worthy. I lost track of Baby and panicked until I spotted her across the room, in Rice’s arms.
    There was a flat, slightly lumpy cake and a dark, carbonated liquid that tasted like cola and root beer mixed together. This was really bad timing. I wanted nothing more than to talk with my mother, alone, away from the eyes, and regulations, and colored jumpsuits of New Hope.
    “You know, when I made Advanced Theory, I didn’t get a party,” Vivian said behind me. I turned to catch her with her eyebrows raised mockingly, her brown eyes shining.
    “Yeah, this is fan,” I say sarcastically.
    “What’s wrong?” she asked, lowering her voice. “You haven’t been asking about the Floraes again, have you?”
    “No, I just saw the orientation video. . . . I . . . it really got to me. New Hope. Everything we have to do in order to stay here.”
    “Yeah,” Vivian said carefully. “But it’s worth it.”
    “Is it?”
    Vivian grimaced and tugged at her necklace. “I’ll take New Hope any day over being out there with the Floraes.”
    “You don’t mind giving up your freedom?”
    Vivian tilted her head. “You always have to give up some freedoms to live in any society.”
    “But here, it’s all or nothing. It’s get in line or be sent to the Ward, or worse.” I thought of being expelled, forced to leave the safety of New Hope. “They’re preying on people’s fears to make them conform.” I knew I shouldn’t be talking about any of this here and now, but it was just flowing out of me.
    “Amy, it is all worth it,” Vivian whispered desperately, wanting me to understand. “I would trade almost anything to be safe. Think about it. What are you really giving up? So, they make you work, make you exercise, make you live up to your potential—is that really so bad?”
    “But you can’t even decide who you have children with.” I glanced around the room, at least a quarter of the women were pregnant. Several looked like they weren’t much older than me.
    Vivian sighed. “We have to rebuild the human race. Everyone is tested