Interesting Times

of…whom we have read so much, is…it?” he said.
    When he spoke, people waited expectantly for the final gurgle in mid-sentence.
    “Well, I—” Rincewind began.
    “Silence!” screamed a chamberlain.
    Rincewind shrugged.
    He hadn’t known what to expect of an Emperor, but the mental picture had room for a big fat man with lots of rings. Talking to this one was a hair’s breadth from necromancy.
    “Can you show us some more…magic, Great Wizard?”
    Rincewind glanced at the chamberlain.
    “W—”
    “Silence!”
    The Emperor waved a hand vaguely, gurgled with the effort, and gave Rincewind another enquiring look. Rincewind decided to chance things.
    “I’ve got a good one,” he said. “It’s a vanishing trick.”
    “Can you…do it now?”
    “Only if everyone opens all the doors and turns their backs.”
    The Emperor’s expression did not change. The court fell silent. Then there was a sound like a number of small rabbits being choked to death.
    The Emperor was laughing. Once this was established, everyone else laughed too. No one can get a laugh like a man who can have you put to death more easily than he goes to the lavatory.
    “What shall we do with…you?” he said. “Where is the…Grand…Vizier?”
    The crowd parted.
    Rincewind risked a sideways squint. Once you were in the hands of a Grand Vizier, you were dead. Grand Viziers were always scheming megalomaniacs. It was probably in the job description: “Are you a devious, plotting, unreliable madman? Ah, good, then you can be my most trusted minister.”
    “Ah, Lord…Hong,” said the Emperor.
    “Mercy?” suggested Rincewind.
    “Silence!” screamed the chamberlain.
    “Tell me, Lord…Hong,” said the ancient Emperor. “What would be the punishment for a…foreigner…entering the Forbidden City?”
    “Removal of all limbs, ears, and eyes, and then allowed to go free,” said Lord Hong.
    Rincewind raised his hand.
    “First offense?” he said.
    “Silence!”
    “We find, generally, that there is no second offence,” said Lord Hong. “What is this person?”
    “I like him,” said the Emperor. “I think I shall…keep him. He makes me…laugh.”
    Rincewind opened his mouth.
    “Silence!” screamed the chamberlain, perhaps unwisely in view of current thinking.
    “Er…could you stop him shouting ‘Silence!’ every time I try to speak?” Rincewind ventured.
    “Certainly…Great Wizard,” said the Emperor. He nodded at some guards. “Take the chamberlain…away and cut his…lips off.”
    “Great One, I—!”
    “And his ears…also.”
    The wretched man was dragged away. A pair of lacquered doors slammed shut. There was a round of applause from the courtiers.
    “Would you…like to watch him eat…them?” said the Emperor grinning happily. “It’s tre…mendous fun.”
    “Ahahaha,” said Rincewind.
    “A good decision, lord,” said Lord Hong. He turned his head towards Rincewind.
    To the wizard’s immense surprise, and some horror, too, he winked.
    “O Great One…” said a plump courtier, dropping to his knees, bouncing slightly, and then nervously approaching the Emperor, “I wonder if perhaps it is entirely wise to be so merciful to this foreign dev—”
    The Emperor looked down. Rincewind would have sworn that dust fell off him.
    There was a gentle movement among the crowd. Without anyone apparently doing anything so gross as activating their feet, there was nevertheless a widening space around the kneeling man.
    Then the Emperor smiled.
    “Your concern is well…received,” he said. The courtier risked a relieved grin. The Emperor added, “However, your presumption is not. Kill him slowly…over several…days.”
    “Aaargh!”
    “Yes in…deed! Lots of boiling…oil!”
    “An excellent idea, o lord,” said Lord Hong.
    The Emperor turned back to Rincewind.
    “I am sure the…Great Wizard is my friend,” he suctioned.
    “Ahahaha,” said Rincewind.
    He’d been in this approximate position before, gods knew. But he’d always been facing someone—well, usually someone who looked like Lord Hong, not a near-corpse who was clearly so far round the bend he couldn’t poke sanity with a long pole.
    “We shall have such …fun,” said the Emperor. “I read…all about you.”
    “Ahahaha,” said Rincewind.
    The Emperor waved a hand at the court again.
    “Now I will retire,” he said. There was a general movement and much ostensible yawning. Clearly no one stayed up later than the