Jingo

leaned forward.
    “You see, sir,” he said, “I can’t help but think that over there in Klatch a bunch of idiots are doing the same thing. They’re saying to the Seriph ‘It’s time to sort out those devils in Ankh-Morpork, offendi.’ And when a lot of people are running around with weapons and talking daft stuff about war, accidents happen. Have you ever been in a pub when everyone goes armed? Oh, things are a little polite at first, I’ll grant you, and then some twerp drinks out of the wrong mug or picks up someone else’s change by mistake and five minutes later you’re picking noses out of the beer nuts—”
    The Patrician looked down at Vimes’s knuckles and stared fixedly until Vimes removed them.
    “Vimes, you will be at the wizards’ Convivium tomorrow. I sent you a memo about it.”
    “I never—” A vision of the piles of unread paperwork on Vimes’s desk loomed treacherously in his mind. “Ah,” he said.
    “The Commander of the Watch leads the procession in full dress uniform. It’s an ancient custom.”
    “Me? Walk in front of everyone?”
    “Indeed. Very…civic. As I’m sure you recall. It demonstrates the friendly alliance between the University and the civil government which, I may say, seems to consist of their promising to do anything we ask provided we promise not to ask them to do anything. Anyway, it is your duty. Tradition decrees it. And Lady Sybil has agreed to see to it that you are there with a crisp bright shining morning face.”
    Vimes took a deep breath. “You asked my wife ?”
    “Certainly. She is very proud of you. She believes you are capable of great things, Vimes. She must be a great comfort to you.”
    “Well, I…I mean, I…yes…”
    “Excellent. Oh, just one other thing, Vimes. I do have the Assassins and the Thieves in agreement on this, but to cover all eventualities…I would consider it a favor if you could see to it that no one throws eggs or something at the Prince. That sort of thing always upsets people.”

    The two sides watched each other carefully. They were old enemies. They had tested strengths many a time, had tasted defeat and victory, had contested turf. But this time it would go all the way.
    Knuckles whitened. Boots scraped impatiently.
    Captain Carrot bounced the ball once or twice.
    “All right, lads, one more try, eh? And this time, no horseplay. William, what are you eating?”
    The Artful Nudger scowled. No one knew his name. Kids he’d grown up with didn’t know his name. His mother, if he ever found out who she was, probably didn’t know his name. But Carrot had found out somehow. If anyone else had called him “William” they’d be looking for their ear. In their mouth.
    “Chewing gum, mister.”
    “Have you brought enough for everybody?”
    “No, mister.”
    “Then put it away, there’s a good chap. Now, let’s—Gavin, what’s that up your sleeve?”
    The one known as Scumbag Gav didn’t bother to argue.
    “’s a knife, Mr. Carrot.”
    “And I bet you brought enough for everybody, eh?”
    “’sright, mister.” Scumbag grinned. He was ten.
    “Go on, put them on the heap with the others…”
    Constable Shoe looked over the wall in horror. There were about fifty youths in the wide alleyway. Average age in years: about eleven. Average age in cynicism and malevolent evil: about 163. Although Ankh-Morpork football doesn’t usually have goals in the normal sense, two had been nevertheless made at each end of the alley using the time-honored method of piling up things to mark where the posts would be.
    Two piles: one of knives, one of blunt instruments.
    In the middle of the boys, who were wearing the colors of some of the nastier street gangs, Captain Carrot was bouncing an inflated pig’s bladder.
    Constable Shoe wondered if he ought to go and get help, but the man seemed quite at ease.
    “Er, captain?” he ventured.
    “Oh, hello, Reg. We were just having a friendly game of football. This is Constable Shoe, lads.”
    Fifty pairs of eyes said: We’ll remember your face, copper.
    Reg edged around the wall and the eyes noted the arrow which had gone straight through his breastplate and protruded several inches from his back.
    “There’s been a bit of trouble, sir,” said Reg. “I thought I’d better fetch you. It’s a hostage situation…”
    “I’ll come right away. Okay, lads, sorry about this. Play amongst yourselves, will you? And I hope I’ll see you all on Tuesday for the sing-song