Jingo

call it a battlefield.”
    “Who’s winning?”
    “Ankh-Morpork, I believe. By two hacked shins and a broken nose.”
    For the first time in ages Vimes felt a little pang of patriotism. Everything else in life was in the privy, but when it came to gouging and kicking he knew which side he was on.
    “Besides,” Vetinari went on, “I believe quite a large number of people are technically under arrest. And clearly a state of war is not, in practical fact, in being. It is merely a state of football. Therefore, I believe, I am, shall we say…back. Excuse me, sire, but this won’t take a moment.”
    He held up a metal cylinder and began to unscrew the end.
    For some reason Vimes felt inclined to take a few steps away from it. “What’s that?”
    “I thought this might become necessary,” said Vetinari. “It took some preparation, but I am certain it will work. I hope they’re readable. We did our best to keep the damp off them.”
    A thick roll of paper dropped out on to the floor.
    “Commander, have you nothing you should be doing?” he added. “Refereeing, perhaps?”
    Vimes picked up the roll and read the first few lines.
    “Whereas…heretofore, etc., etc…. City of Ankh-Morpork… Surrender ?”
    “What?” said Rust and the Prince together.
    “Yes, surrender,” said Vetinari cheerfully. “A little piece of paper and it’s all over. I think you’ll find it all in order.”
    “You can’t—” Rust began.
    “You can’t—” said the Prince.
    “Unconditionally?” said General Ashal sharply.
    “Yes, I think so,” said Vetinari. “We give up all claim to Leshp in favor of Klatch, we withdraw all troops from Klatch and our citizens from the island, and as for reparations…shall we say a quarter of a million dollars? Plus various favorable trade arrangements, most-favored nation status and so on and so on. It’s all here. Feel free to read it at your leisure.”
    He passed the document over the head of the Prince and into the hands of the general, who flicked through the pages.
    “But we haven’t got —” Vimes began. Perhaps I did get killed, he thought. I’m on the other side, or someone hit me very hard on the head and this is all some kind of mirage—
    “It’s a forgery!” snapped the Prince. “It’s a trick!”
    “Well, sire, this man certainly does appear to be Lord Vetinari and these do seem to be the official seals of Ankh-Morpork,” said the general. “‘Whereas…whereby…without prejudice…ratification within four days…way of trade’…yes, this does, I have to say, look genuine.”
    “I won’t accept it!”
    “I see, sire. It does, though, appear to cover all the points which in your speech last week you—”
    “I certainly wouldn’t accept it!” Rust shouted. He waved a finger under Vetinari’s nose. “You’ll be banished for this!”
    But we haven’t got that money, Vimes repeated, but this time to himself. We’re a very rich city, but we haven’t got any actual money. The wealth of Ankh-Morpork is in its people, we’re told. And you couldn’t remove it with big pliers.
    He felt the wind change.
    And Vetinari watching him.
    And there was something about General Ashal. A certain hunger…
    “I agree with Rust,” he said. “This is dragging the good name of Ankh-Morpork in the mud.” To his mild surprise he managed to say that without smiling.
    “We lose nothing, sire,” General Ashal insisted. “They withdraw from Klatch and Leshp—”
    “Damned if we will!” screamed Lord Rust.
    “Right! And have everyone know we’ve been beaten ?” said Vimes. “ Outwitted ?”
    He looked at the Prince, whose gaze was hunting from man to man, but occasionally staring at nothing, as if he was watching some inner vision.
    “A quarter of a million is not enough,” the Prince said.
    Lord Vetinari shrugged. “We can discuss it.”
    “There is much that I need to buy.”
    “Things of a sharp metallic nature, no doubt,” said Vetinari. “Of course, if we are talking about goods rather than money, there is room for…flexibility…”
    And now we’re going to arm him, too, Vimes thought.
    “You’ll be out of the city in a week!” Rust screamed.
    Vimes thought the general smiled briefly. Ankh-Morpork without Vetinari…ruled by people like Rust. His future was looking bright indeed.
    “The surrender will need to be ratified and formally witnessed, however,” said Ashal.
    “May I suggest Ankh-Morpork?” said Lord Vetinari.
    “No. On