Jingo

Tacticus.”

    Nobby and Sergeant Colon edged along the alley.
    “I know who he is!” Fred hissed. “That’s Leonard of Quirm, that is! He went missing five years ago!”
    “So he’s called Leonard and he’s from Quirm, so what?” said Nobby.
    “He’s a raving genius!”
    “He’s a loony.”
    “Yeah, well, they say there’s a thin line between genius and madness…”
    “He’s fallen off it, then.”
    The voice behind them said, “Oh, dear, this won’t do at all, will it…? I can’t deny it, you were quite right, the accuracy would be quite unacceptable at any reasonable range. Could you bear to stop a moment, please?”
    They turned. Leonard was already dismantling the tube.
    “If you could just hang on to this bit, corporal…and, sergeant, if you would be so good as to hold this piece steady…some sort of fins should do it, I’m sure I had a suitable piece of wood somewhere…” Leonard began to pat his pockets.
    The watchmen realized that the man holding them up had paused to redesign his weapon and had given it to them to hold while he looked for a screwdriver. This was a thing that did not often happen.
    Nobby silently took the rocket from Colon and pushed it into the tube.
    “What’s this bit here, mister?” he said.
    Leonard glanced up briefly in between patting his pockets.
    “Oh, that is the trigger,” he said. “Which, as you can see, rubs against the flint and—”
    “ Good .”
    There was a short burst of flame and rather more black smoke.
    “Oh, dear,” said Leonard.
    The watchmen turned, like men dreading what they were about to see. The rocket had shot the length of the alley and through the window of a house.
    “Ah…putting ‘This Way Up’ on the projectile would be an important safety point to bear in mind for the new design,” said Leonard. “Now, where’s that notebook…?”
    “I think we’d better leave,” said Colon, moving backward. “Very fast.”
    Inside the house there was an explosion of stars and balls to delight young and old but not the troll who had just opened the door.
    “Ah, really?” said Leonard. “Well, if speed is required, I have this very interesting design for a two-wheeled—”
    Acting on an unspoken agreement, the watchmen each put a hand under a shoulder, lifted him off the ground, and ran for it.
    “Oh, dear,” said Leonard, as he was dragged backward.
    The watchmen dived into a side alley, and then jinked and dodged along several others with quiet professionalism. Finally they leaned Leonard against a wall and peered round the end of the alley.
    “All clear,” said Nobby. “They went the other way.”
    “Right,” said Colon. “Now, what was you doing? I mean, you might be a genius like I heard, Mister da Quirm, but when it comes to threatening people you’re as clever as an inflatable dartboard.”
    “I appear to have been a bit of a juggins, don’t I?” Leonard agreed. “But I do implore you to come with me. I’m afraid I thought that as warriors you would be more inclined to understand force—”
    “Well, yes, we’re warriors ,” said Sergeant Colon. “But—”
    “’ere, have you got another one of these rockets?” said Nobby, hefting the tube onto his shoulder again. He had the special gleam in his eye that a small man gets when he’s laid his hands on a big, big weapon.
    “I may have,” said Leonard, and the gleam in his eye was the mad twinkle of the naturally innocent when they think they’re being cunning. “Why don’t we go and see? You see, I was told to fetch you by any means necessary.”
    “Bribery sounds good,” said Nobby. He put his eye to the tube’s sights and started making “whoosh” noises.
    “Who told you to fetch us?” said Colon.
    “Lord Vetinari.”
    “The Patrician wants us ?”
    “Yes. He said you have special qualities and must come at once.”
    “To the palace ? I heard he’d done a runner.”
    “Oh, no. To the, er…to the, er…docks…”
    “Special qualities, eh?” said Colon.
    “Er, sarge…” Nobby began.
    “Now then, Nobby,” said Colon importantly. “It’s about time we were given some recognition, you know that. Hexperienced officers are the backbone of the force. Seems to me,” he went on, “seems to me that this is a case of cometh the time, cometh the man.”
    “When’s he cometh?”
    “I’m talking about us. Men with special qualities.”
    Nobby nodded, but with a certain amount of reluctance. In many ways he was a much clearer