Kushiel's Mercy

bed and replaced with unwatered wine? A few more minutes at least if I’d actually drunk it. Talk fast.”
    My entire body shivered beneath her touch. “I’ll try. Only—”
    “I know,” Sidonie whispered, cupping my face with both hands now. There were tears in her black eyes. “I know.”
    The lover showers kisses on the face of the beloved . . .
    It was gentle, it was frantic, it was terrified, all at once. I knelt before her, my face upturned. She kissed my eyelids, my temples, my cheeks, the corners of my mouth.
    Sweet, so sweet! I hadn’t imagined so much sweetness existed in the world. She kissed my mouth.
    My lips parted beneath hers, the tip of her tongue touched mine.
    Imriel .
    Ohgodsohgodsohgods! Knowledge and memory burst like a ripe seed-pod inside my skull. It filled me to overflowing.
    Imriel.
    I was Imriel.
    I gasped and tore myself away from her, huddling and clasping my own arms, rocking on my knees and shuddering.
    I was Imriel.
    Sidonie drew back from me in alarm, her eyes widening. “What?”
    It flooded me; it flooded every part of me. Memories, crashing and churning. I remembered everything. I knew myself. I knew what had happened. Everything. All the plans, all the risk, all the uncertainty. All the fear and horror. My madness. My quest.
    Ptolemy Solon and his needle, stitching and stitching. Leander’s voice, stitching a new tale, binding his memories to my flesh. I drew a breath, ragged and raw. “Oh, Sidonie!” I murmured. “It’s me. I’m me . Imriel.”
    She shrank back against the headboard of her bed. “Leander?”
    She didn’t know me.
    Of course she didn’t know me.
    “I love you,” I said in anguish. “Oh, Name of Elua, Sidonie! I’ve loved you since you were sixteen years old. I’m what you’re missing. I’m what you’ve forgotten. You and I.”
    “No!” She hissed the word at me, eyes showing the whites all around in sheer terror.
    “Leander, please ! Don’t do this to me. I can’t do this!”
    I reached for her. “Sidonie . . .”
    She shrank back farther. “Go away! Please, go away!”
    I sat back on my heels. “Will you just please listen?”
    “No.” Sidonie shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut as though to block out the world.
    A pulse in the hollow of her throat beat frantically. “No, no, no, no. I thought you were . . . I don’t know, but you’re not. Just please, go away.”
    Ah, Elua.
    I knew everything.
    “Sidonie,” I said, desperate to reach her. “Alais’ dog was killed by a bear!”
    For a long moment, she didn’t speak or react. I knelt silently, waiting, acutely aware of time dwindling. And then slowly, slowly, Sidonie’s eyes opened. She watched me without speaking, breathing hard through parted lips.
    “It happened in Alba,” I said. “But you were right; there was a boar, too. Years earlier, at a hunting party. We stumbled over a boar. Your horse bolted. Alais’ dog, Celeste, was gored, but she survived. I stitched her wound in the woods using Amarante’s embroidery kit.”
    “I remember . . . parts,” she murmured.
    Oh, gods, it nearly broke my heart to look at her. “Something Bodeshmun did pulled a whole thread out of your memory,” I said gently. “And everything that’s left is partly unravelled. Is that what it feels like?” She nodded slowly. “Sidonie, I can undo it. If you can find a way for us to be alone together again, for a little while longer, I can explain everything.”
    Her dark eyes dwelled on my face. “I don’t know.”
    I didn’t dare push her. Not now. I was barely holding myself together. “Think on it,” I whispered. “Try to sleep. I don’t dare stay any longer. But I’ll be on the other side of the door, guarding your dreams. And I promise you, Princess, no one will ever harm you while there’s breath in my body.”
    I rose slowly and carefully. Sidonie looked so damnably vulnerable. My doing, my fault.
    It tore me up inside like I’d swallowed broken glass. Still, it had to be done. I left the room quietly, closing the door behind me.
    “She sleeps?” Girom inquired.
    “Yes.” I leaned against the door, my knees trembling. My voice sounded strange to my ears. I’d entered that room as Leander Maignard, and left it as Imriel de la Courcel. “Yes, she was agitated for a time, but the draught took effect.”
    “Good.” The physician nodded. “I’ll return in the morning to examine her.” He hesitated.
    “Are you actually planning to stay? You needn’t.