Lady Chatterley's Lover

oaf.
    ‘That sentence reminds me of my mother, she was a typist and she said that sentence used every letter of the alphabet.’
    ‘Well,’ she said sympathetically. ‘There is a sentence that reminds me of my grandfather. “That was six months for indecent exposure”.’
    He relit the fire.
    ‘I think I’ll have that cup of tea now,’ she smiled.
    He rose to make it, somehow his dangling braces had caught in the chair which rose with him.
    ‘How do you like your tea?’ he said.
    ‘I like it very much,’ she smiled...
    While he made the tea she liked very much, she asked him about his affairs.
    ‘The first one was a schoolmaster’s daughter, but she wouldn’t let me do it, so I bought a forty-five Colt revolver and I forced her. Then I met a Jewish girl, before she’d do it, she liked foreplay, so I’d do twenty minutes’ begging, then a cheque for five pounds. I had to give her up as I became penniless. Then there was Sally. She didn’t like it, when I was doing it she just ground her teeth, after three months she was toothless. Then came Berth Coutts. She wanted me to fuck her, so I fucked her like a good un. Too late! I discovered she was a nymphomaniac, she never stopped, night and day. I forgot what it was like to wear clothes, she never stopped for food, in between the fucks I tried to make a cheese sandwich — so little time — I had to eat it while we were doing it,’ he said.
    Fred the dog was coughing up feathers.
    ‘So,’ said Constance crossing her legs, ‘when you did get a woman who wanted it, you got too much of a good thing.’
    ‘Aye,’ he said reflectively, in the sanatorium they made me sleep with my willy packed in ice to reduce the temperature, and the doctor said my foreskin was gone for ever.’ He wiped a tear from his eye.
    ‘How terrible for you,’ she said, and then hopefully, ‘is it all right now?’
    He smiled, straightened his shoulder, patted his flies and said, ‘Aye, it’s back to normal.’
    Back to normal? she thought. How could he call that prick twelve inches long normal !
    There was a long silence, then he said, ‘Seems to me that most women are Lesbians.’
    ‘When you find out a woman is a Lesbian, what do you do?’ she enquired.
    ‘I get away as fast as I can, a 137 bus or 74A tram does it.’
    ‘Do you think Lesbians are worse than homosexual men?’
    ‘Yes, because I suffered more from them! I went to a doctor, I asked him what was wrong with me, he said “I’m afraid you’re suffering from Lesbians”.’
    He looked pale and his brows were sombre, even his nose, teeth and ears were sombre, there were even traces of sombre on his trousers, it was one of the greatest concentrations of sombre in Derbyshire.
    ‘Were you sorry when I came along?’ asked Constance.
    ‘I was sorry and I was glad.’
    ‘Make up your bloody mind,’ snapped Constance.
    He made up his bloody mind. ‘Yes, I was glad. But I must forget the rest, when I can’t forget the rest, I want to hide under the table and die.’
    What in God’s name was he talking about?
    ‘Why,’ said Constance in that upper class voice he hated, ‘Why do you want to die under a table?’
    ‘Well,’ he said as he rolled a cigarette, it’s cheaper to die under a table than have a funeral.’
    Shouldn’t this man be Chancellor of the Exchequer, she thought, but Lady Chatterley was never a very good judge of Chancellors of the Exchequer.
    He took out a brass lighter, he flicked it, a huge flame shot out and incinerated the whole cigarette in a flash of flame igniting the hairs in his nose.
    ‘Quick,’ she said. ‘Run it under the cold tap.’
    He thought it wonderful to have this medical help at such short notice, but the carbonized hairs in his nose gave vent to a fit of sneezing but such sneezes that lifted him a foot off the ground for nearly ten minutes. He appeared to bound round the room like a kangaroo. In the end Constance had to jump on his back to hold him down. It wasn’t a good time in their love affair. Gradually the sneezing stopped.
    ‘Oh dearie me, oh dearie me,’ he said dabbing his watering eyes. ‘That was terrible.’
    ‘Oh, I quite enjoyed it,’ she said as she dismounted from him. ‘I haven’t had a piggy back since I was young.’
    Should he strangle her? He looked at his nose in the mirror, it was slightly burnt.

    Oh what a thing is a nose
    It grows and it grows and it grows
    It grows from your head
    While you’re lying in bed
    At the