Lamb: the Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

lint-free cloth or a papyrus towel until a mirror shine is achieved, then it is called Readying the Mongoose for Trade-in.”
    “Look, she sells me pieces of sheepskin parchment, and each time, after we’re finished, I’m allowed to copy the drawings. I’m going to tie them all together and make my own codex.”
    “You did that? That looks like it hurts.”
    “This from a guy I had to break out of a wine jar with a hammer yesterday.”
    “Yeah, well, it wouldn’t have happened if I’d remembered to grease my shoulders like Melchior taught me.” Joshua turned the drawing to get a different angle on it. “You’re sure this doesn’t hurt?”
    “No, not if you keep your bottom away from the incense burners.”
    “No, I mean her.”
    “Oh, her. Well, who knows? I’ll ask her.”
The Bhagavad Gita sayeth:
I am impartial to all creatures,
and no one is hateful or dear to me,
but men devoted to me are in me,
and I am in them.
    “What’s the Bhagavad Gita?”
    “It’s like a long poem in which the god Krishna advises the warrior Arjuna as he drives his chariot into battle.”
    “Really, what’s he advise him?”
    “He advises him not to feel bad about killing the enemy, because they are essentially already dead.”
    “You know what I’d advise him if I was a god? I’d advise him to get someone else to drive his friggin’ chariot. The real God wouldn’t be caught dead driving a chariot.”
    “Well, you have to look at it as a parable, otherwise it sort of reeks of false gods.”
    “Our people don’t have good luck with false gods, Josh. They’re—I don’t know—frowned upon. We get killed and enslaved when we mess with them.”
    “I’ll be careful.”
The Kama Sutra sayeth:
When a woman props herself up on the table and inhales the steam of the eucalyptus tea, while gargling a mixture of lemon, water, and honey, and the man takes the woman by the ears, and enters her from behind, while looking out the window at the girl across the street hanging out her laundry to dry, then the position is called “Distracted Tiger Hacking Up a Fur Ball.”
    “I couldn’t find that one in the book, so she dictated it to me from memory.”
    “Kashmir’s quite the scholar.”
    “She had the sniffles, but agreed to my lesson anyway. I think she’s falling for me.”
    “How could she not, you’re a very charming fellow.”
    “Why, thank you, Josh.”
    “You’re welcome, Biff.”
    “Okay, tell me about your little yoga thing.”
The Bhagavad Gita sayeth:
Just as the wide-moving wind
is constantly present in space,
so all creatures exist in me.
Understand it to be so!
    “Is that the kind of advice you’d give someone who’s riding into battle? You’d think Krishna would be saying stuff like, ‘Look out, an arrow! Duck!’”
    “You’d think,” Joshua sighed.
The Kama Sutra sayeth:
The position of “Rampant Monkey Collecting Coconuts” is achieved when a woman hooks her fingers into the man’s nostrils and performs a hokey-pokey motion with her hips and the man, while firmly stroking the woman’s uvula with his thumbs, swings his lingam around her yoni in a direction counter to that in which water swirls down a drain. (Water has been observed swirling down the drain in different directions in different places. This is a mystery, but a good rule of thumb for achieving Rampant Monkey is to just go in the direction counter to which your own personal drain swirls.)
    “Your drawings are getting better,” Joshua said. “In the first one I thought she had a tail.”
    “I’m using the calligraphy techniques we learned in the monastery, only using them to draw figures. Josh, are you sure it doesn’t bother you, talking about this stuff when you’ll never be allowed to do it?”
    “No, it’s interesting. It doesn’t bother you when I talk about heaven, does it?”
    “Should it?”
    “Look, a seagull!”
The Katha Upanishad sayeth:
For a man who has known him,
the light of truth shines.
For one who has not known, there is darkness.
The wise who have seen him in every being
on leaving this life, attain life immortal.
    “That’s what you’re looking for, huh, the Divine Spark thing?”
    “It’s not for me, Biff.”
    “Josh, I’m not a satchel of sand here. I didn’t spend all of my time studying and meditating without getting some glimpse of the eternal.”
    “That’s good to know.”
    “Of course it helps when angels show up and you do miracles and stuff too.”
    “Well, yes,