Leo Frankowski

you some ‘for instances.’
    “To get a pound of wood, a natural
tree has got to soak up fifteen hundred
pounds of water with its roots, run
it through its trunk, and evaporate it in its leaves. The only good that all
that water did was to haul up a few
ounces of trace elements that were dissolved in it. The tree has to do this
because transpiration is the only mechanism
it has to get those trace elements to the leaves. A simple pump, like your heart, is a million times more
efficient.”
    “Heh. So all your
trees got hearts?”
    “Sure. In more
ways than one. Another ‘for instance.’ At high noon in the desert, you get about a
hundred watts
of solar power on each square foot of land. Now just sitting there, Jimmy, your body is burning up a hundred watts to keep you alive. If you were a
hundred percent efficient, you could
survive without eating just by lying
in the sun. But the way nature does it, it takes more than one hundred thousand
square feet of land to support a
human being.
    “Now, I’ve
managed to make my tree houses ten percent efficient, about as good as a car
engine.”
    “You sold me,
Professor. Where do I buy a seed?”
    “Well, you used
to be able to buy one from me for five dollars, but that’s all over now.”
    “A house for
five dollars?”
    “I had to pay
for the postage and the advertising. And I had to get some people to help me with the
mail. And the boxes cost me twenty-eight cents each! But now I guess you got to get
somebody to give you one.”
    “I got to
panhandle a house? Professor, if you had any idea how hard it is to come up with a
fifth of Gallo port…”
    “No, no. They
promised to give you one. That was the deal when I sold the seed. Once their house was grown up, they had to give a seed to anybody who
asked for one. And they had to make
that person promise to do the same thing when their house was growed up. Just
be sure you pick a model you really
like. It ain’t nice to abandon a
tree house.”
    The scratching got
progressively louder until an oval hairline crack, perhaps seven feet by four,
suddenly formed
on the concrete floor. One end of the slab rose five inches and a snakelike tentacle a
yard long slid out. There was an eyeball at the end of it.
    “Oh, sweet Jesus, Professor, I never
should have touched that sterno! You can’t
imagine what I think I see!”
    A second eyeballed
tentacle joined the first. In uni son, they made a 360-degree scan.
    “Take it easy,
Jimmy, I ain’t had a drink in three weeks, and I’m seeing it, too!”
    “My Lord
Guibedo,” a voice said from below the concrete. “I am a friend. Please speak
softly. May I come up?”
    “Nobody up here
but us scaredy-cats,” Guibedo whispered. “Come on up and make yourself at
home.”
    The concrete slab
slid to one side. A black creature ascended. It had a rigid oval body six feet
long by three wide, but only six inches thick. The eyeballed tentacles extended from
the front of its body. It walked on four skinny, muscular legs and held two long
humanoid arms close to its body. As it rose from the pit, it changed color like a chameleon,
from black to the gray of the prison walls.
    “Oh, sweet
Mother of Mercy!” Jimmy was cowering in a corner. “I’ve seen orange
crocodiles even, but nothing like this!”
    “Son of a gun,
shit!” Guibedo muttered. “Who are you?”
    “My lord, I am
Labor and Defense Unit Alpha 001723.”
    “Yah, sure. Nice
low number you got there. I guess I should have said ‘What are you?’”
    “My lord, I am
a labor and defense unit. Would you please accompany me. We have very little
time.”
    “You’re maybe
something my nephew, Heiny, came up with?” Guibedo noticed that the thing
had at least eight additional fixed eyes, scattered around its circumference.
    “Yes, my lord.
Lord Copernick created me. He sent me here to facilitate your escape. Please accompany me.” The LDU was backing down into the pit.
    “Well, if Heiny
says so, let’s go,” Guibedo said, following.
    “Hey!”
Jimmy said. “What about me?”
    “Sir, your
presence would constitute a security risk. I must insist that you stay
here,” the LDU said.
    “He’s right,
Jimmy,” Guibedo said. “This could get rough. They’re gonna throw you out in
the morning, anyhow.”
    “Yeah,
Professor, but what am I going to tell them?”
    “If you tell
them the truth, Jimmy, they’ll throw you in the funny house. Just tell them you went
to sleep and when you woke up, I was