Lexicon

happen?”
    “You know what.” His voice dropped. “We shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have.”
    “Well, I forgive you.” She tried to keep it light, but her heart was sinking through her stomach. She had seen this coming, hadn’t she? She’d practically provoked it. But now she felt sick.
    “If they knew, I’d be expelled.”
    “We both would.”
    “Yes, but . . .” He tapped the books lightly with his fingers. “This is my final exam. I can’t fuck this up.”
    She stared at him.
    “You understand, right? I have to do this. I’m sorry.”
    “Are you,” she said.
    “I think you’re a great person—”
    She threw her slushie. It exploded on his head, red juice and ice chips flying everywhere, splashing his books and papers. He sat frozen, dripping. She slammed the door on the way out.
    • • •
    She had soccer and was in no mood for it. She stood rooted in the defensive half of the field and didn’t chase. Sashona, on the opposing team, concentrated her attacks on Emily’s wing to capitalize on her apathy. Once she ran past while Emily just stood there, and after she scored, she ruffled Emily’s hair.
    The next time Sashona pounded toward her, the ball bobbling along in front of her, Emily decided to put Sashona on the ground. She moved to intercept and Sashona’s face hardened in a way that told Emily to expect the shoulders. A word bubbled to Emily’s lips, one of the attention words she had discovered in Sashona’s room.
Kassonin.
That was the word. It would be enough to kick Sashona in the brain just long enough for Emily to knock her flat, and she would use it because she had
not
used it on Jeremy, even though she could have, because he was, like Sashona, a thirteen.
Kassonin, bitch.
Her head was full of blood.
Eat MY shoulders.
    They collided. By the time Emily got up, Sashona was jogging back to her half, doing the fist pump. She had scored while Emily was on her ass. “Fuuuck,” Emily said, and Sashona laughed.
    • • •
    She had to get away for a while, so instead of changing she headed for the school gate. She was almost there when she heard footsteps. Jeremy was running after her. “Em! Wait!” She didn’t want to, but some small, stupid part of her thought,
Maybe he changed his mind
. He caught her, breathing fast. He’d showered, put on a fresh shirt. His cheeks were pink. “Let’s not end things this way.”
    “What?”
    “We’ve been friends for two years. I don’t—”
    “
Gah
,” she said, as soon as she heard the word
friends
. She walked.
    He trotted beside her. “You can’t tell anyone.” She didn’t answer. “They will expel you. They’ve done it before. They’ll send you fucking home.”
    “Maybe you made me do it,” she said. “Maybe you took advantage of me, with your words.”
    He stopped. When she reached the gate, he yelled, “
How dare you!
” She flinched, because there was fury in his voice. She kept walking. She wasn’t going to accuse him of anything, couldn’t he tell that? She just wanted him to feel something. “
Come back! Come back here!
” The traffic was flowing but she threaded through it to the other side. A van honked. She turned to see Jeremy stranded outside the gates, his face red. “
You say nothing!
”
    “Make me.”
    He stepped onto the road. She was reminded of Benny in San Francisco: how he’d been funny and kind until she pushed him too far. “Stop,” she said. Jeremy knew her. He did know her segment. He was about to graduate and he could make her do whatever he wanted. “I’m sorry! I won’t tell!” He was halfway across, paused between lanes, his face thick with anger. He waited for a car, threw a glance to his right, and ran at her. She screamed, “
Kassonin!
”
    His head jerked. He stopped. For a moment he was a child. Then he came back. She saw shock in his eyes and outrage and fear. She was transfixed by his face. Then a car swept him away. She shrieked and couldn’t hear herself over the tires.
    • • •
    She wanted to go to the hospital but they wouldn’t let her. She had to stay in the sitting room, the same place Charlotte had interviewed her when she’d first arrived, curled up in the same armchair.
    Finally, Eliot came in, wearing a long coat. She opened her mouth to ask about Jeremy but could see the answer on his face. She covered her face with her hands and cried.
    “Tell me what happened.”
    She shook her head, not looking up. He crossed the rug and lifted her