Lifesaving for Beginners

room.
    Dad says, ‘We’re going to play Scrabble.’ Dad is really bad at Scrabble. He always makes up words. He uses the internet too, which is against the rules.
    Faith looks at the telly and says, ‘Jesus.’
    Dad says, ‘What’s wrong?’
    Faith says, ‘SSSSSHHHHHH.’
    Ant and Adrian say, ‘What about Scrabble?’ at the same time. Sometimes they do that. It’s probably because they’re twins. And they love Scrabble. They mostly always win.
    Then Faith tells everyone to BE QUIET and Ant says, ‘Time of the month?’ and Adrian says, ‘Shut it, scumbag,’ and Dad says, ‘Do you want Celia to come down here again?’ and after that everyone shuts up.
    The woman on the telly points at something and nods her head and suddenly there is a man on the screen. In fact, there’re loads of them. And women too. They’re sitting in chairs. Rows and rows of chairs. They have notebooks and pens and they’re writing things into the notebooks with the pens.
    The man says, ‘So, er, Kat, is it all right if I call you Kat?’
    Kat says, ‘I can’t stop you.’
    ‘So, er, Kat, could you tell us why?’
    Kat says nothing.
    ‘Er, what I mean is, why have you kept your writing success a secret for so long?’
    Kat throws her eyes to heaven, exactly the same way that Faith does when Ant and Adrian say they can’t do the books because they’ve got a date or a pain in their toe or something. ‘To avoid this.’ She waves her hand around the room, so everyone knows she’s talking about them.
    A woman with really tight curls and a really tight suit says, ‘If that’s the case, then why are you telling us now? After all these years?’
    The camera switches back to Kat. ‘Because someone found out and has been harassing me, trying to extort money out of me.’ Then she looks directly into the camera and says, ‘The police have been notified and it’s only a matter of time before that person is uncovered.’ She looks exactly like Faith, when Faith says things like, ‘I’m going to find out sooner or later so you may as well make things easier for yourself and tell me now.’
    For a moment, nobody says anything. Then it seems like everyone in the audience starts asking questions, all at the same time.
    Ant says, ‘This is boring. When is Harry Potter coming on?’
    Adrian picks up the TV guide. ‘I hope it’s the first one. The first one’s my favourite. When Hermione’s hair is all fluffy and huge.’
    Ant says, ‘Hermione is a nerd.’
    Adrian shakes his head. ‘I like women with big hair.’
    Ant says, ‘Freak.’
    Faith watches the telly.
    Dad puts on his glasses and looks at the woman on the screen. Then he looks at Faith. Then back at the woman on the telly. But I don’t think he works it out. Not yet.
    It’s probably because he’s really tired. Yesterday, he called Celia ‘Beth’. Then he tried to put kitchen roll in the toilet roll holder in the bathroom and he forgot to put chicken in the chicken and broccoli bake. There’s something sticky in his hair and I don’t think Celia is talking to him.
    On the telly, a small man with a big belly looks at Kat and asks, ‘Are there any other skeletons in Kat Kavanagh’s closet?’
    Kat looks at the man for ages before she says anything. A woman who looks like a headmistress and is sitting beside Kat covers the microphone with her hand. She says something but I don’t know what it is. Kat shakes her head and turns back to the small man with the big belly. She says, ‘Yes. There is something.’
    She picks up a pen, rolls it between her fingers. In the room, you can hear papers shuffling and people doing those coughs that people do when they don’t actually have a cough.
    Kat says, ‘I had a daughter when I was fifteen and I put her up for adoption.’
    Silence now. Not even shuffling or coughing.
    Ant and Adrian look at Faith and say, ‘Jesus H!’ at the same time. I reckon they’ve copped on to it. You wouldn’t think it, but they pretty much got all As in their A levels.
    Dad sits on the couch so heavily that I think it might break, but it doesn’t. It holds.
    The people on the telly start asking questions, all at the same time. Cameras flash like lightning strikes.
    A woman in the audience leans so far forward in her chair that she nearly topples out of it. She straightens herself and then says, ‘Have you ever met your daughter?’
    Someone else – I can’t see who – says, ‘Why did you give her up for adoption?’
    ‘Has