Lords and Ladies

what with him being dead.”
    “Oh dear. How long ago?”
    “These past thirty years,” said Shawn.
    “But you don’t look any older than twen—” Ponder began. Ridcully elbowed him sharply in the ribcage.
    “This is the countryside,” he hissed. “People do things differently here. And more often.” He turned back to Shawn’s pink and helpful face.
    “Things seem to be waking up a bit,” he said, and indeed shutters were coming down around the square. “We’ll get some breakfast in the tavern. They used to do wonderful breakfasts.” He sniffed again, and beamed.
    “Now that ,” he said, “is what I call fresh air.”
    Shawn looked around carefully.
    “Yes, sir,” he said. “That’s what we call it, too.”
    There was the sound of someone frantically running, and then a pause, and King Verence II appeared around the corner, walking slowly and calmly with a very red face.
    “Certainly gives people a rosy complexion,” said Ridcully cheerfully.
    “It’s the king!” hissed Shawn. “And me without my trumpet!”
    “Um,” said Verence. “Post been yet, Shawn?”
    “Oh, yes, sire!” said Shawn, almost as flustered as the king. “Got it right here. Don’t you worry about it! I’ll open it all up and have it on your desk right away, sire!”
    “Um…”
    “Something the matter, sire?”
    “Um…I think perhaps…”
    Shawn was already tearing at the wrappers.
    “Here’s that book on etiquette you’ve been waiting for, sire, and the pig stockbook, and…what’s this one…?”
    Verence made a grab for it. Shawn automatically tried to hang on to it. The wrapping split, and the large bulky book thumped on to the cobbles. Its fluttering pages played their woodcuts to the breeze.
    They looked down.
    “Wow!” said Shawn.
    “My word,” said Ridcully.
    “Um,” said the king.
    “Oook?”
    Shawn picked up the book very, very carefully, and turned a few pages.
    “Hey, look at this one! He’s doing it with his feet! I didn’t know you could do it with your feet!” He nudged Ponder Stibbons. “Look, sir!”
    Ridcully peered at the king.
    “You all right, your majesty?” he said.
    Verence squirmed.
    “Um…”
    “And, look, here’s one where both chaps are doing it with sticks…”
    “What?” said Verence.
    “Wow,” said Shawn. “Thank you, sire. This is going to really come in handy, I can tell you. I mean, I’ve picked up bits and pieces here and there, but—”
    Verence snatched the book from Shawn’s hands and looked at the title page.
    “‘Martial Arts’? Martial Arts. But I’m sure I wrote Marit—”
    “Sire?”
    There was one exquisite moment while Verence fought for mental balance, but he won.
    “Ah. Yes. Right. Uh. Well, yes. Uh. Of course. Yes. Well, you see, a well-trained army is…is essential to the security of any kingdom. That’s right. Yes. Fine. Magrat and me, we thought…yes. It’s for you, Shawn.”
    “I’ll start practicing right away, sire!”
    “Um. Good.”

    Jason Ogg awoke, and wished he hadn’t.
    Let’s be clear. Many authorities have tried to describe a hangover. Dancing elephants and so on are often employed for this purpose. The descriptions never work. They always smack of, hoho, here’s one for the lads, let’s have some hangover machismo, hoho, landlord, another nineteen pints of lager, hey, we supped some stuff last night, hoho…
    Anyway, you can’t describe a scumble hangover. The best bit of it is a feeling that your teeth have dissolved and coated themselves on your tongue.
    Eventually the blacksmith sat up and opened his eyes. *
    His clothes were soaked with dew.
    His head felt full of wisps and whispers.
    He stared at the stones.
    The scumble jar was lying in the leather. After a moment or two he picked it up, and took an experimental swig. It was empty.
    He nudged Weaver in the ribs with his boot.
    “Wake up, you old bugger. We’ve been up here all night!”
    One by one, the Morris Men made the short but painful journey into consciousness.
    “I’m going to get some stick from our Eva when I get home,” moaned Carter.
    “You might not,” said Thatcher, who was on his hands and knees looking for his hat. “Maybe when you gets ’ome she’ll have married someone else, eh?”
    “Maybe a hundred years’ll have gone past,” said Carter, hopefully.
    “Cor, I hope so,” said Weaver, brightening up. “I had sevenpence invested in The Thrift Bank down in Ohulan. I’ll be a millionaire at complicated