Love is Always Write Anthology Volume 6

spring sky, and tired of pacing the same spot in the little garden, Javier dropped under a leafless tree. His mind was lost in the recent past as usual, unaware that the bottom of the tree had become his favorite spot in the last three weeks. The only place he could find any solitude during the day in the big crowded house in which he lived.
    The warm breeze caressed his face, pulling back his hair. He wished that he could throw Mauricio's memories to the wind and forget that he had been his entire world. From the start it sounded too good to be true, and Javier suspected that passionate love would eventually become an addiction that might kill him. Maybe not so fast, but yes, he might eventually die of having loved Mauricio.
    It had been love at first sight, in spite of Mauricio being older than him. Javier had fallen under the spell of the most experienced man he'd ever met. That charming smile and gentle disposition were irresistible when matched with a lean muscular body and a handsome face.
    He had to think that now, it was only himself— simply Javier. He had to start again, stop thinking about the past, and Mauricio.
    He'd given so much love, and at the end, even his hard earned money; but today, adding all together, his countless tears were all he could budget for. Although being fair, Javier had been happy beyond his wildest fantasies.
    Sometimes when Javier was silent, he listened to Mauricio's voice, perceived his scent lingering in the air, or his hands embracing his waist. Of course, it was only his imagination, but sometimes it felt so real, it hurt.
    He wished nobody thought of him, because no amount of kind words would change anything. So much died together with Mauricio, that Javier felt there was nothing else to experience, but simply remember he had been a volcano erupting in passion within Mauricio's arms.
    While making love, Mauricio had taught him hundreds of caresses, but today sex was the last thing on Javier's mind. Having HIV, he feared rejection from any possible partner.
    Conscious of his only twenty-five years, in spite of the legacy of being HIV positive, he should be looking forward to the future. However, starting again seemed impossible, because without Mauricio's love he'd collapsed, and the only thing that kept him going on was to fulfill Mauricio's last wish.
    Javier had to personally return twenty years of letters to Mauricio's pen pal and best friend, Esteban Hidalgo. He knew little about Esteban. When he'd met Mauricio, he noticed that he received letters and books from this person.
    Javier had asked, "Why don't you guys e-mail one another? Letters are so yesterday."
    Mauricio had looked at him as if Javier had insulted his only religious ritual, and indignantly explained, "It's not the same. This, he held it in his hand, and this, I wrote with my own hand. It's a real way to keep in touch regardless of the distance."
    It had been then, when Javier noticed for the first time, the generational gap that Mauricio's bed skills had managed to erase before. His husband died at thirty-nine, so Esteban should be around the same age.
    These guys witnessed the development of the personal computer, but they still wrote letters like it was the Victorian age or something.
    Before passing away, Mauricio had two obsessions, Javier's forgiveness and returning Esteban's letters to him. Mauricio had said how sorry he was for transmitting the virus to him so many times that Javier felt bad, and the letters. Mauricio had put them in an expensive leather portfolio, all of them, carefully packed, and had handed the portfolio to Javier as if instead of letters, it were full of gold coins. Certainly, it weighed almost as much.
    Javier moved out of the condo he shared with Mauricio for the last three years. In the end, it had been too hard to pay the mortgage Mauricio refinanced to cover the cost of the lavish lifestyle they'd enjoyed in the last two years.
    Many times Javier thought of reminding Mauricio that he would probably outlive him, but it would have been cruel to say such a thing. Those last months had been hard for Mauricio, so Javier would have done anything to please him. And ignoring the future seemed to be one of those things.
    Javier had been born into a family of classical musicians, and he'd completed his Masters of Music degree at the Juilliard School shortly after he married Mauricio. His mother was a gifted pianist and his father a talented violinist. After they married and had