Love is Always Write Anthology Volume 6

encountering a dusting of hair under his fingers, and held his breath anticipating what he was about to touch, but the only thing he felt, was Esteban's hand firmly stopping him.
    Javier broke the kiss to look Esteban straight in the eyes.
    "Why? Is because of the HIV?"
    "No. It's better if we stop this here and now. No more sexual references Javier, and no more kisses."
    "Why do you want to stop now? Are you trying to play hard to get?"
    "Of course not! Forget the attraction between us. It only exists in your mind."
    "And this is my imagination too?"
    Javier pointed his index to Esteban's obvious hard bulge between his legs. Esteban shifted the weight between his feet, as if with it he could get the hard-on to go away.
    "Javier, there is no point denying it, because you already guessed it."
    "Your lack of experience? There is always a first time for everyone!"
    Esteban held Javier's gaze when he said. "That's the problem. I've been thinking, as I told you, what to do about us. I want that experience to be unique, with someone special, someone I really love. Not some casual liaison."
    Javier blurted with the frustration he felt, "I don't intend some casual liaison. If you make love with me, I promise I'll do my best to make it special."
    Again with a stern voice, Esteban told him, "I don't want to get involved with someone as young as you. I think you should find love with someone closer to your age. That's what I wanted to tell you, Javier. Don't wait for me in case you've been doing that."
    Javier was able to hold his gaze afterward for only a few seconds. This could not be happening to him. He'd never felt this way. Never. A simple touch could send him to heaven, and when it was gone, he plummeted to hell.
    ****
    Esteban witnessed how Javier's eyes were bright, as if Javier were teary eyed, but he couldn't confirm it, because Javier turned around.
    Too late, Esteban realized how hard those words had been on Javier. Even to him they had been hard to say. He got close to him and tried to put a hand on his shoulder, Javier shook it off almost violently. Still without looking back, he said with a broken voice.
    "No! I've had enough of your merciful touches. I guess it should have been hard for you to kiss a HIV positive person. Stupid me!"
    Esteban didn't expect Javier's pain would hurt him too, but it did.
    "Javier, this has nothing to do with you being HIV positive, it's because of the differences between us. You're a talented musician that one day will be traveling the world with your music. You're too young to be involved in a relationship with someone like me, someone who right now can't offer you anything."
    "How could I ever think you would feel the same for me? Diego is so right. I guess he knows you really well!"
    "Did you talk with Diego about us?"
    "There is not an 'us'. This is a misunderstanding which only exists in my mind, correct?"
    "Javier, are you crying?"
    "Of course not, I don't cry, and I'm not going to begin now."
    "What did Diego say to you?"
    "Diego said that you would never accept a relationship with me, and that you would hide me more than Mauricio did. He also thinks that the age difference is important, and that you wouldn't take me seriously."
    Esteban shook his head, and regardless of Javier's struggles, put his hands on his shoulders. Javier stopped struggling, and allowed Esteban hands on him, while staring at the skies in the window in front of them, without seeing anything.
    "Javier, I didn't explain myself properly. The reason I wanted to talk with you today, is because I've been thinking about our situation carefully, and deciding what to tell you has not been easy."
    He paused, and Javier didn't move, so Esteban continued. "I can't be the lover you want, but we could be friends."
    Javier chuckled. "Friends? I have too many already. Besides, I can't be your friend. Why is it so hard to understand what I want from you?"
    "Javier, I do enjoy talking with you. And since we must continue seeing each other because of the foundation, it's better if we are friends."
    Javier stiffened. "That wouldn't be necessary, I've been offered a position with the Philadelphia's Center City Orchestra, and I'm taking it."
    Suddenly, Esteban knew he didn't want to really let him go.
    "Please don't go unless you really want it. Your presence it not a problem for me, like I said, I want your friendship."
    This time Javier turned around and shouted, "And I want your love!"
    He had been crying. Esteban was