Love Is Always Write Volume 4

didn't even think about Zeb when he was falling asleep each night like he used to. But, the dating hadn't been so successful so far. He hadn't even wanted to guess on why. But maybe this is what he needed: to confront the past and move on. A pressure valve deep in his chest released, and for the first time since purchasing the tickets, Chad wasn't angry at himself for giving in.
    Tickets – Plural. He couldn't believe he'd actually done that. He should have known better. At the time he'd rationalized that he'd ask a friend to go with, or maybe a date – yeah right – and it would just be a hoot to be able to say, "Hey, see that guy up there singing. Yeah, I knew him when." He'd chuckle about it like it really was no biggie, he'd get a chance to see Zeb from afar and no one would be the wiser that something deep inside felt broken. But… but , he couldn't bring himself to do it.
    Honestly? He had no idea how he'd react to seeing Zeb after all this time. Sure, there were one or two close friends that would be happy to give him moral support, but they had also been around when Zeb left and seen the aftermath. He'd been so adamant that Zeb's absence was only temporary. As soon as he's on his feet he'll call, he'd assured them all. But that never happened.
    So… no. It probably wasn't a good idea after all to invite someone with, and he took it a step further by not even telling anyone he was doing this. Especially since he'd sworn long ago that the only way he'd ever see Zeb again would be if Zeb made the effort. On top of that, having to hide any reaction at all and pretending he was fine would not only be hard, it seemed like it would defeat the purpose of going somehow. This was too personal. No, it was better to exorcise his demons alone.
    Closure . He repeated again, convincing himself nicely, as he took the exit ramp that would lead him to his hotel.
    After check-in, he unpacked his small bag in his cramped one bed, one desk room. After that he fiddled around with the air conditioner and checked out his exciting view of a crowded parking lot, wondering what he should do with his remaining time. Take an hour nap so he'd stop fiddling? Grab a bite to eat? No, too nervous to eat. Stupid. So instead he hopped in the shower and started getting ready.
    As he walked out the door forty minutes later he couldn't help but give one more nervous glance in the mirror, and wondered if how much he'd changed in the last three years showed in his appearance. On the outside there were only two changes. The sandy brown goatee was kind of an accident after a surprise camping trip (his friends' way of trying to cheer him up a couple years ago and no razor available) that he decided suited him. The less obvious, at least while he was dressed, was the muscle definition he'd gained from spending mindless hours in the gym. Going to the gym was a new habit started this last year; a way to work out his frustrations, and a better way to spend his time instead of alone in his apartment.
    Ironically, the changes in his appearance made him look stronger, tougher somehow, while he knew that was anything but the truth. The significant change was on the inside. He may not have ever had the type of confidence that Zeb, or even his friend Derek exuded – the type that dripped with sexuality and almost arrogance – but he'd had his own brand. Somehow that had changed slowly after Zeb broke things off purely by his silence. All those whys slowly eating away at his insides. Maybe because he didn't have any answers he found himself questioning everything in his life, and it only got worse as time passed. It was very… unsettling.
    It wasn't being alone or single. He'd been there before and been fine. Chad was pretty sure it wasn't even being dumped. It was just… Zeb. Zeb had been his kryptonite. Which was why the idea of seeing him tonight left him more unnerved than he'd care to admit.
    Chad realized with a start that the quick glance in the mirror had turned into a staring match with himself. He mentally shook his head and caught himself just before running his fingers through his hair in a nervous gesture.
    "Fuck it!" He grabbed his keys; made sure he had everything and practically stormed out of the hotel room. In his car and over halfway to the small theater, with yet another car whizzing past him, he noticed he was now one of the slowpokes on the road that had annoyed him earlier. A quick glance down showed him he was traveling at exactly