Men at Arms

and she knew all about the need for ground floor windows and doors with long handles that a paw could operate.
    “He’s got chainmail on,” said Mrs. Cake. She was holding a bucket of gravel in either hand. “He’s got soap in his ears, too.”
    “Oh. Er. Right.”
    “Oi can tell ’im to bugger off if you like,” said Mrs. Cake. “That’s what I allus does if the wrong sort comes round. Especially if they’ve got a stake. I can’t be having with that sort of thing, people messing up the hallways, waving torches and stuff.”
    “I think I know who it is,” said Angua. “I’ll see to it.”
    She tucked in her shirt.
    “Pull the door to if you go out,” Mrs. Cake called after her as she went out into the hall. “Oi’m just off to change the dirt in Mr. Winkins’ coffin, on account of his back giving him trouble.”
    “It looks like gravel to me, Mrs. Cake.”
    “Orthopaedic, see?”
    Carrot was standing respectfully on the doorstep with his helmet under his arm and a very embarrassed expression on his face.
    “Well?” said Angua, not unkindly.
    “Er. Good morning. I thought, you know, perhaps, you not knowing very much about the city, really. I could, if you like, if you don’t mind, not having to go on duty for a while…show you some of it…?”
    For a moment Angua thought she’d contracted prescience from Mrs. Cake. Various futures flitted across her imagination.
    “I haven’t had breakfast,” she said.
    “They make a very good breakfast in Gimlet’s dwarf delicatessen in Cable Street.”
    “It’s lunchtime.”
    “It’s breakfast time for the Night Watch.”
    “I’m practically vegetarian.”
    “He does a soya rat.”
    She gave in. “I’ll fetch my coat.”
    “Har, har,” said a voice, full of withering cynicism.
    She looked down. Gaspode was sitting behind Carrot, trying to glare while scratching himself furiously.
    “Last night we chased a cat up a tree,” said Gaspode. “You and me, eh? We could make it. Fate has thrown us together, style of fing.”
    “Go away .”
    “Sorry?” said Carrot.
    “Not you. That dog.”
    Carrot turned.
    “Him? Is he bothering you now? He’s a nice little chap.”
    “Woof, woof, biscuit.”
    Carrot automatically patted his pocket.
    “See?” said Gaspode. “This boy is Mister Simple, am I right?”
    “Do they let dogs in dwarf shops?” said Angua.
    “No,” said Carrot.
    “On a hook,” said Gaspode.
    “Really? Sounds good to me,” said Angua. “Let’s go.”
    “Vegetarian?” mumbled Gaspode, limping after them. “Oh, my.”
    “Shut up.”
    “Sorry?” said Carrot.
    “I was just thinking aloud.”

    Vimes’ pillow was cold and hard. He felt it gingerly. It was cold and hard because it was not a pillow but a table. His cheek appeared to be stuck to it, and he was not interested in speculating what with.
    He hadn’t even managed to take his armor off.
    But he did manage to unstick one eye.
    He’d been writing in his notebook. Trying to make sense of it all. And then he’d gone to sleep.
    What time was it? No time to look back.
    He traced out:

Stolen from Assassins’ Guild: gonne->Hammerhock killed. Smell of fireworks. Lump of lead. Alchymical Symbols. 2nd body in river. A clown. Where was his red nose? Gonne .
    He stared at the scrawled notes.
    I’m on the path, he thought, I don’t have to know where it leads. I just have to follow. There’s always a crime, if you look hard enough. And the Assassins are in this somewhere.
    Follow every lead. Check every detail. Chip, chip away.
    I’m hungry.
    He staggered to his feet and looked at his face in the cracked mirror over the basin.
    Events of the previous day filtered through the clogged gauze of memory. Central to all of them was the face of Lord Vetinari. Vimes grew angry just thinking about that. The cool way he’d told Vimes that he mustn’t take an interest in the theft from—
    Vimes stared at his reflection—
    —something stung his ear and smashed the glass.
    Vimes stared at the hole in the plaster, surrounded by the remains of a mirror frame. Around him, the mirror glass tinkled on to the floor.
    Vimes stood stock still for a long moment.
    Then his legs, reaching the conclusion that his brain was somewhere else, threw the rest of him on to the floor.
    There was another tinkle and a half bottle of Bearhugger’s exploded on the desk. Vines couldn’t even remember buying it.
    He scrambled forward on hands and knees and pulled himself upright alongside