Monstrous Regiment

well?” he asked.
    “Yeah. Did you?” said Polly.
    “I couldn’t stand that shed, but Mr. Eyebrow kindly allowed me to use his cellar,” said Maladict. “Old habits die hard, you know? At least,” he added, “old acceptable habits. I’ve never felt happy not hanging down.”
    “And you got coffee? ”
    “I carry my own supply,” said Maladict, indicating an exquisite little silver-and-gilt coffee-making engine on the table by his cup, “and Mr. Eyebrow kindly boiled some water for me.” He grinned, showing two long canine teeth. “It’s amazing what you can achieve with a smile, Oliver.”
    Polly nodded. “Er…is Igor a friend of yours?” she said. At the next table, Igor had obtained a sausage, presumably raw, from the kitchen, and was watching it intently. A couple of wires ran from the sausage to a mug of the horrible vinegary beer, which was bubbling.
    “Never seen him before in my life,” said the vampire. “Of course, if you’ve met one you have, in a sense, met them all. We had an Igor at home. Wonderful workers. Very reliable. Very trustworthy. And, of course, so good at stitching things together, if you know what I mean.”
    “Those stitches round his head don’t look very professional,” said Polly, who was beginning to object to Maladict’s permanent expression of effortless superiority.
    “Oh, that? It’s an Igor thing,” said Maladict. “It’s a Look. Like…tribal scars, you know? They like them to show. Ha, we had a servant once who had stitches all the way around his neck, and he was e xtremely proud of them.”
    “Really?” said Polly weakly.
    “Yes, and the droll part of it all was that it wasn’t even his head!”
    Now Igor had a syringe in his hand, and was watching the sausage with an air of satisfaction. For a moment, Polly thought that the sausage moved…
    “All right, all right, time’s up, you horrible lot!” barked Corporal Strappi, strutting into the room. “Fall in! That means line up, you shower! That means you too, Parts! And you, Mr. Vampire, sir, will you be joining us for a morning’s light soldiering? On your feet! And where’s that bloody Igor?”
    “Here, thur,” said Igor, from three inches behind Strappi’s backbone. The corporal spun around.
    “How did you get there?” he bellowed.
    “It’th a gift, thur,” said Igor.
    “Don’t you ever get behind me again! Fall in with the rest of them! Now…Attention!” Strappi sighed theatrically. “That means ‘stand up straight.’ Got it? Once more with feeling! Attention! Ah, I see the problem! You’ve got trousers that are permanently at ease! I think I shall have to write to the Duchess and tell her she should ask for her money back! What are you smiling about, Mr. Vampire sir?”
    Strappi positioned himself in front of Maladict, who stood faultlessly to attention.
    “Happy to be in the regiment, Corporal!”
    “Yeah, right,” mumbled Strappi. “Well, you won’t be so—”
    “Everything all right, Corporal?” asked Sergeant Jackrum, appearing in the doorway.
    “Best we could expect, Sergeant,” sighed the corporal. “We ought to throw ’em back, oh dear me, yes. Useless, useless, useless…”
    “Okay, lads. Stand easy,” said Jackrum, glancing at Strappi in a less than friendly way. “Today we’re heading on down toward Plotz, where we’ll meet up with the other recruiting parties and you’ll be issued with your uniforms and weapons, you lucky lads. Any of you ever used a weapon? You have , Perks?”
    Polly lowered her hand.
    “A bit, Sarge. My brother taught me a bit when he was home on leave, and some of the old men in the bar at home gave me some, er, tips…” They had, too. It was funny to watch a girl waving a sword around, and they’d been kind enough when they weren’t laughing. She was a quick learner, but she’d made a point of staying clumsy long after she’d got the feel for the blade, because using a sword was also “the work of a Man,” and a woman doing it was an Abomination Unto Nuggan. Old soldiers, on the whole, were on the easygoing side when it came to Abominations. She’d be funny just as long as she was useless, and safe as long as she was funny.
    “Expert, are yer?” said Strappi, grinning nastily. “A real fencin’ genius, are yer?”
    “No, Corporal,” said Polly meekly.
    “All right,” said Jackrum. “Anyone else—”
    “Hang on, Sarge, I reckon we’d all like a bit of instruction from Swordmeister Parts,” said