Mr. Klutz Is Nuts!

day.
    “According to the laws of physics, all objects fall at the exact same rate,” Mr. Klutz told us. “See? You’re learning physics in second grade!”
    “Wait a minute!” said Michael. “That’s not a fair test because the eraser and the book are almost the same size and weight.”
    “Yeah,” Ryan said. “Try it with different objects.”
    “Okay,” Mr. Klutz said as he picked up a pencil off Miss Daisy’s desk. Then he went over to the windowsill, where Miss 51
    Daisy kept her collection of stuffed ani-mals. He picked up a giraffe that was almost as big as I am. “Would this be a fair test?” he asked.
    “Yeah!” we all shouted.
    “Now, which object do you think will hit the floor first?” he said as he climbed up on top of Miss Daisy’s desk again.
    “The pencil!” some of us shouted.
    “The giraffe!” other kids yelled.
    “I think they will both hit the floor at the same instant,” said Andrea.
    “Okay, let’s do a test,” said Mr. Klutz.
    As he raised both his arms in the air, Mr. Klutz put his foot on a crayon that was sitting on Miss Daisy’s desk. It rolled a little. His foot slipped. He wob-bled for a moment, trying to keep his balance. Then he pitched headfirst off the desk.
    “Watch out!”
    Crash!
    When he hit the floor, the pencil and the giraffe went flying, and Mr. Klutz’s arms and legs went in different directions. It was just about the funniest thing that ever happened in the history of the world. You should have been there.
    We all ran over to see if Mr. Klutz was okay. He was holding his leg and moaning.
    “See?” Andrea said. “All three objects hit the ground at the same time. The pencil, the giraffe, and Mr. Klutz. So I was right.” I hate her.

     

When Mr. Klutz got back from the hospi-tal, we were all relieved to hear that he hadn’t broken any bones. He was limp-ing, though, and told us he would have to use a cane for a week.
    We were afraid he might call off the chocolate party, but he was more excited about it than ever.

    Everybody in the whole school got involved doing math problems so we could win the party, even the teachers.
    During library period, Mrs. Roopy asked us questions like, “If the library had a hundred books and you checked out fifty of them, how many would be left in the library?”
    During music period, Mr. Hynde asked us questions like, “If the school only has ten trumpets and six kids sign up to take trumpet lessons, how many more kids can sign up for trumpet lessons?” Miss Daisy made a big tote board so we would know how many math problems we had completed. Every day, she tallied up all the math problems on her tote board.
    It wasn’t long before the school had finished a million math problems.
    Andrea did the problem that put us over the top—of course. I hate her.
    On the night of the chocolate party, you should have seen the gym! They had music and games, and tables were set up with chocolate chip cookies, chocolate cake, chocolate muffins, and even broc-coli covered with chocolate. Yuck!
    By the end of the party, I thought I was going to throw up. It was the greatest night of my life.
    At nine o’clock somebody came in with this big pig on a leash. I don’t know where they got it. The zoo, I guess. We all watched as the pig was brought over to Mr. Klutz. He wrinkled his face up and acted like he was all disgusted (Mr. Klutz, that is, not the pig).
    When he bent over and kissed the pig on the lips, the whole school went crazy.

    Even the pig freaked out, oinking and squealing and running around the gym until the grown-ups were able to catch it.
    It was a real Kodak moment, if you ask me.
     

“I want to congratulate all you kids,” Mr.
    Klutz said over the loudspeaker on Monday morning during announcements.
    “You did it! One million math problems.
    That’s quite an accomplishment! See, all you needed was a little incentive.

    “This has been such a huge success that I have decided to challenge you again,” he continued. “Election Day is coming up in November. This is a very important day in America. I think every child in this school should write an essay about what it means to have elections. And if you achieve this goal by Election Day, I will climb the flagpole in front of the school and recite the Pledge of Allegience when I get to the top.”
    “I hope he doesn’t hurt himself again,” said Emily.
    “I’ll write my essay during recess,” said Andrea, who always does everything the