My Kind of Christmas

needed to be at the Redding airport. He could even swing through his cabin for a shower and change of clothes, grab his duffel and, if he felt like it, stop somewhere for breakfast. Even with time on his side, he moved as if through quicksand.
    It felt as if there was now a second person he’d had to permanently give up. First Jake, then the person who was best able to get him beyond Jake: Angie. Sometimes life really threw a lot of rotten apples.
    He brewed his last pot of coffee in Aiden’s cabin while he showered. After dressing, he stuffed yesterday’s clothes in his duffel and tossed it by the door. Then he sat by the now-cold hearth and drank a cup.
    He couldn’t stop thinking about her. She’d shown him more support, understanding and encouragement in a few weeks than Leigh had delivered in as many years. How was that possible? He kept asking himself if Angie simply turned him on, making him think all these things when really it was just about lust. But what came to mind was the way she held him after a nightmare, while Leigh had never even called after Jake’s death. He thought about reaching into Angie’s hair and finding a bald spot and hearing her say, “Shunt.” He remembered seeing her in those scrubs and booties after Megan’s surgery. It went very well—she’s waking up now. And when the Riordans and Sheridans gathered at the bar and the stories began she laughed until tears were running down her cheeks. She had leaned over and whispered to him, I think I might’ve wet my pants .
    He’d never had anyone in his life like her. Never would again. He felt inside the way Jake would act when they were getting back from a deployment—like an animal, insane for his woman.
    His coffee was cold. He looked at his watch—he’d been sitting there just thinking about her for a long time.
    He looked at the ceiling. “Crap. Buddy, I’m sorry,” he said aloud.
    Then he went for the phone.
    “Marie, sweetheart, I’m going to miss my plane. I’m really sorry.”
    “Not a problem, Paddy,” she said. “There will be other times, other planes.”
    “That’s the thing, Marie—I’m actually not going to make it for Christmas. I got caught up in something. I know I’d promised to be there, but—”
    She laughed. “Paddy, I got so tired of trying to convince you this wasn’t the place for you to spend Christmas, I stopped trying. You just don’t take a hint!”
    He was stunned. “Don’t you love me anymore?”
    “I will always love you, Paddy. You’re one of my dearest friends. And if you ever need me—call me.”
    “I wanted to be there for you,” he said. “I promised Jake.”
    “And you have been there. You stood by my side while we eulogized him. You held Daniel while I received the flag. You came to Oklahoma to be sure I was okay. You call almost every day to see how I’m doing. What more could you have done?”
    He sat down weakly and ran a hand through his hair, which had grown thick and long in the six weeks the Navy hadn’t been looking. “Well, my plan was to try to convince you we could make it together, you and I. All you had to do was keep an open mind.”
    “I don’t want to go back to Charleston,” she said.
    “Even if I said I wanted to marry you?” he asked.
    “Oh, for God’s sake! I’m not going to marry you! I love you but I’m not in love with you. More importantly, you’re not in love with me!”
    “Are you absolutely sure?”
    “Yes!”
    “Jesus, Marie—I gave Jake my word! If anything ever happened, I’d look out for you!”
    “Right. So, if anything ever happened to you, was Jake on the hook to look after anyone?”
    “Well, there’s my mother…but I have brothers....”
    “Looking out for someone doesn’t mean committing a life to them, Paddy! Damn, you men never listen. You’ve been looking out for me every day that Jake’s been gone. But you still need counseling. Grief counseling. You’re hanging on to Jake through me and guess what? I’m just not strong enough to carry you. I have my own grief to work through.”
    “No,” he said, shaking his head. “I was trying to keep you upright for him!”
    “And what’s the difference?”
    “Aw, Marie… Am I completely screwed up?”
    “No more than expected. Paddy, let him go. Miss him with me, that’s all. Call me sometimes, all right? Visit now and then, but not for too long—I intend to eventually have a life. It might not be as great as the one I had with Jake, but I have a