My Point...And I Do Have One

them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong—normally you wouldn’t say, thank God I’ve got gas. I meant gasoline for my car. But some people who have strange diseases may actually be thinking “Hey, if I only had gas, I’d feel lucky.” So, like most things in life, it’s all relative.
    I was raised a Christian Scientist and was taught to believe that we could heal our bodies through prayer, that sickness was an illusion that could be defeated by the power of the spirit. Since my family were Christian Scientists, we probably saved a bundle, no aspirin, no medicine at all. I didn’t take my first aspirin until I was in my teens and even now I feel a twinge of guilt when I go to the pharmacy—I feel as if I’m in an opium den. (Though, to be fair, I’ve only been to an opium den twice and I was so stoned I barely remember what it was like.) We never had to buy any of that stuff. Also, we didn’t need medical insurance. It would have been a waste of money because we never went to the hospital.
    I don’t recall much about my religious upbringing. I remember I wore a bonnet to church, but I don’t think it was a Christian Science thing to wear bonnets. It was just me and maybe a few other girls (and this guy namedOwen who wore a bonnet because he burned easily and was allergic to all other kinds of hats).
    Sometimes I wonder what God is like. We picture God to look like us. Not exactly. I mean, I don’t think we picture God to look like Wink Martindale, for instance. More like Bob Barker. But we assume God has some human form. Maybe God looks more like those drawings of aliens that people have supposedly seen with large heads and huge, black eyes. Maybe God is a huge sphere with millions of ears or antennas like a satellite dish for excellent reception. Maybe God is a giant bug, and when we die we’re going to have to account for every cockroach and ant we’ve killed. Maybe God does look like Wink Martindale.
    I believe that there is a lot to be learned from the Bible. But I don’t believe all the stories can be taken literally. Because nobody was writing things down as they happened. Instead, one person told somebody else, who then told someone else, who told Shem, who told Hosea, who told Sinbad, who told Fabio, who told somebody else. So, what started out as a story about Moses going to the beach to get a little sun and maybe go snorkeling became the Red Sea parting and all that stuff.
    That being said, here are two of my favorite Bible stories:
    God is in a department store and he asks a woman where the hat section is. I don’t remember the woman’s name, so I’ll call her Linda, because I have a friend named Linda who works in a department store. Now this story took place a long time ago—when department stores had huge hat sections. I don’t remember what kind of hat God was looking for either. Probably something with a snap brim. So Linda tells God, “Go to the …” I’m sorry.Linda tells God
“Thou shall go
to the third floor. The hats are right next to the Laura Ashley accessories.”
    You know, that might not be a Bible story. It might just be a boring story that Linda told me once. (I think it was about her selling a scarf to Charles Nelson Reilly. I kept falling asleep, so I must have dreamed the God part.)
    This, however, I’m pretty sure is a Bible story. Jesus enters the temple and he’s steaming mad because there are moneylenders in there. I forget what they were doing, probably lending money. Well, Jesus turns over their tables and exits in a huff, leaving the door to the temple wide open. So, one of the moneylenders yells out, “Hey, what’s a matter, Jesus, were you born in a barn?” Which is ironic, because he was.
    Note:
I wanted to put a story here that I used to do in my stand-up act about a phone call to God. It was a signature piece of mine, meaning that when I would sign a check I’d write out the entire routine instead of my name. It would take about a half hour, so it was usually better for other people to pay my bills.
    The piece is very funny. I start off saying how I feel that everything on this earth is here for a reason, that there are no mistakes. If you don’t understand why one thing is here, you find out later that it works with the ecosystem somewhere else. (In case you’re wondering, this wasn’t the funny part, this was just the setup.)
    I went on to say