My Point...And I Do Have One

inventor.” So, it’s just as well that you don’t send away for “The Ellie-Gellie Song.” And if you did send away for it, I’d send your money back. You couldn’t get my song now no matter
how much
you paid for it.
    All right, everybody else except for that creep ready?… Good, let’s get started. Hit
play
on the CD player, tape player, record player, or whatever kind of player you happen to be using, and crank up the volume!
    Not quite that loud. Turn it down just a bit.… There, much better. Now we’re ready to D-A-N-C-E!
    First, throw your left arm up in the air and shake your head up and down, but not too much. Still too much …still too much … what are you, stupid? Stop all that ridiculous shaking! I said to shake your head
mildly!…
There, that’s better.
    Next, with arm still up in the air, do something with one of your legs. There, very good. I like that.
    Now, do a
different
movement with the
other
leg.… No, no! What’re you doing?! Is that supposed to be cool or sexy or something? You look like one of those big ol’ ostriches at the zoo, flopping around all gangly and everything! Just stop it and start “The Ellie-Gellie Song” over again.
    You know what? Just forget it. You’ve got me too riled up to be able to teach effectively now. Maybe I’ll try it again in the next book. By then my nerves will be calmer, and I’ll probably have several more dances for you to screw up.
    See you on
Soul Train!

things to do
if you’re stuck
in an elevator
to help you
pass the time

Don’t panic—being alone with yourself can be a healthy thing.
Try to whistle as many television theme songs as you can remember.
Think of your family—the ones you don’t hate—and all of the fun times you’ve had.
Think of your favorite foods and how they are prepared (try not to think of corn on the cob or other foods that would require flossing).
Make pancakes (this only applies if you’ve got a hot plate, pancake mix, and an electrical outlet).
Count your arm hairs.
Think about giraffes giving birth and how they don’t injure the baby when it drops.
Prepare your grocery lists for the year.
This is a perfect time to reflect on your childhood and who hurt you.
Scream.

ellen’s wild
kingdom
or

you can put high heels on a
poodle, but that won’t make it
a hooker

    K NOWN H ORRIBLE E XPRESSIONS
Curiosity killed the cat.
No sense in beating a dead horse.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
    L ESS-KNOWN H ORRIBLE E XPRESSIONS
Why put a weasel in the blender when you can chop it up by hand?
When you see a chipmunk, poke it in the eye—hard.
More than one way to file a kitten’s tooth.
    I went camping recently for the first time. It was a fantastic experience. I went to an amazing place: Montana. I don’t know if you’ve been there, but it is gorgeous. I’ve never seen any place so spectacularly beautiful as Montana. Or was it Maine? It
was
Maine. Anyway, it is beautiful, and I’ve never seen any place like it. It is so special.
    The important thing is that I went camping. Now, I normally don’t wake up that early, but I woke up to watch the sun set. I was sitting in front of my tent, and eating breakfast—some type of Mueslix, or some other kind of outdoorsy stuff, just eating it right from my hand. I didn’t even have a bowl. I just had milk and the Mueslix and my hand.
    Anyway, so I’m enjoying my Mueslix (that may be an exaggeration—let’s just say I was
eating
my Mueslix), when suddenly I hear some kind of noise. Since I’m alone in the middle of the woods, I’m a little bit scared. But I gather my courage, look up, and … Awww, how cute! Only ten feet away from where I’m sitting there’s a family of deer drinking from a little, babbling brook thing (I’m not sure of the technical outdoorsy term). Just the mother, father, and two little baby deer lit by the reddish glow of the setting sun. It was so beautiful, so perfect, so wonderful,and I thought, “Oh, I wish I had a gun.” I could’ve just
 … BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!
I could have shot ’em, gutted em, skinned em, then sprinkled em on my cereal.
    Actually, none of that story is true. Well, some of it is true. I did go camping in Maine.
    No, that’s not true either. The closest I’ve come to camping in Maine is spending a few nights at the Hilton on Maui (come to think of it, that’s not very close). My point … and I do have one, is that I was being sarcastic. I don’t understand hunting at