My Point...And I Do Have One

that I don’t understand why we have fleas here, because fleas do nothing at all beneficial. I thought it would be great to be able to call up God and ask, “Why fleas?”
    What followed was my imaginary phone call to God. I would say my lines and hopefully you’d be able to imagine God’s. God and I would chat, he’d tell me a few jokes (
e.g
., Knock, Knock. Who’s there? God. God who? Godzilla), and explain to me why there are fleas (to support people in the flea-collar industry). This was thefunny part. If you’ve never heard it, take my word: huge laughs every night.
    So why aren’t I writing it out here? There are two reasons. One, as funny as it is to see and hear (If you don’t believe me, maybe this note from my editor will change your mind. EDITOR:
She’s right, it’s very funny!)
it doesn’t read well on the page. So much of the routine depends on nuances of timing and my delightful facial expressions (EDITOR:
She’s right, they’re delightful)
. (Why, thank you.)
    The second reason is that I got a letter from God, well, actually from God’s lawyers, saying that if I printed the routine, they’d sue my ass (their words, not mine) from here to Jerusalem.
    So, that’s why I’m not even going to mention my phone call to God.

the ellie-gellie

    I f you know me personally, or watch my television program, then you know I love to dance. I really do, y’all. (Y’all is a New Orleans expression that I felt obliged to include at least once in this book to show that I haven’t “Gone Hollywood.” There, I’ve used it. Now no highfalutin’ critic can say that I’ve forgotten where I came from.)
    Anyway, like I said, I love dancing. You know that expression, “Cleanliness is next to Godliness”? Well, I believe that, but
dancing
is next to cleanliness, and singing along to the radio in a convertible with the wind whipping through your hair is next to dancing, and walking down a country road at sunset is next to singing along with the radio with the wind whipping through your hair, and walking down a country road at dawn is next to walking down a country road at sunset. Actually one is virtually indistinguishable from the other, but the dawn one requires getting up really early, so I’d rather just walk down the country road at sunset, unless I had to be up anyway, say if I had to pick up an old friend from the airport or I had to take somebody to the hospital or even if I just couldn’t sleep. Then I guess I’d prefer walking down that country road at dawn and just getting it over with.
    I have a good dance background. I’ve probably got a more extensive dance background than a lot of people, just to tell you something about my skills. I rarely missed
Soul Train
while growing up. And although I was never actually what you might call “on” the show itself, my friends all said that I “could’ve been” if I hadn’t been born quite so “white,” as they put it.
    Since I feel blessed in this area, I think it’s only right that I share my gift with you, the people who may
not
have been born with the same sense of rhythm. I’m going to teach you a simple yet hip dance I invented. I call it the Ellie-Gellie.
    Alrightee, first thing we have to do is get into ourdance gear. That could be a leotard, sweats, glittery tights, whatever …
    Hey, I like that. It looks good on you, accentuates your body in just the right way. It’ll work perfectly.
    Next we need to do some stretching.… Good. You don’t want to overdo it.
    And now you’ll need to send away for my song, “The Ellie-Gellie Song.” I wrote it specifically to do the Ellie-Gellie to. It works better than any other song for this dance, and although you
can
do the Ellie-Gellie to some other song, I can’t guarantee the results. And you’ll probably look rather silly doing the Ellie-Gellie to another song.
    But if looking asinine doesn’t bother you, then, hey, it’s your life, you’re obviously Mr. or Ms. Big Stuff, so go right ahead. You probably can’t dance anyway, so it wouldn’t make any difference either way if you used “The Ellie-Gellie Song” or some other stupid song. I don’t even know why I bother trying to do something nice for someone like you. Even if I
could
teach you the Ellie-Gellie, which I highly doubt, you’d probably screw it up while dancing at some club and everyone would see you and say, “Man, the Ellie-Gellie is really a bad dance. That Ellen DeGeneres is sure a terrible dance