My Point...And I Do Have One

outside really well; I know my hands, my legs, those ten little things at the end of my feet, and everything else).
    All that being said, despite my lack of even the flimsiest credential, I have some advice on how to cure somecommon ailments that might bother you. I know nothing about nothing, but these are things that have either worked for me occasionally, or things that I’ve never tried, but feel strongly enough will work nonetheless. I think that you’re going to find them extremely useful.
    Hiccups

We get hiccups when our esophagus and trachea get into a fight over who is better friends with the gallbladder. When you divide the word
hiccups
into two parts, you get hic and cups. If there is any significance to that, scientists have yet to find it—though, to be fair to scientists, they’re probably not looking very hard.
    CURES FOR HICCUPS
While holding your breath (or the breath of the person standing next to you), swallow three thousand times. Immediately shampoo your hair, but don’t use conditioner. Repeat.
    Hold a kitten on your lap and pet it gently on its little head while singing any song by Air Supply (except from their first album).
    With your head bent to a thirty-five-degree angle, bite on a slice of lemon with one eye open and the other closed. If you have an additional eye, do whatever you want with it (your eye, not the lemon).
    Start hopping for approximately five minutes, scream as loud as you can, “Hey Mr. Tally Man, tally me bananas!” then do a backward flip. This should only be done if you have plenty of room.
    Wearing nothing but a Viking helmet and snowshoes, watch reruns of
Dynasty
.
    Call up Tokyo and order Moo Goo Gai Pan. When the delivery man comes, tip him generously. If you live in Tokyo, then call up Belgium and order anything except sweet potatoes.
    The Common Cold

Research shows that the common cold is not as common as most people think it is—it’s even more so!! It’s so common you wouldn’t be out of line to call it a floozy. A lot of so-called experts have a lot of so-called cures for the so-called common (so-called) cold. Mine are better. And I should know; I’ll have had my current cold for three years this March.
    CURES FOR THE COMMON COLD
Starve a cold, feed a fever. Punch a cold in the stomach, kick a fever in its ass. Strangle a cold, tickle a fever with an ostrich feather. Throw toilet paper at a cold’s house, make a fever sit on a whoopie cushion.
    In treating a cold remember the three C’s: Cheese, Cheese, and Cottage Cheese (actually those are four C’s).
    While sitting in an icy, cold bath, smoke a carton of menthol cigarettes and eat plenty of—you guessed it—cheese.
    Only eat solids, avoid all fluids (except for liquid cheese).
    Steal the bedding from a hospital, wrap yourself in it, and pretend to be The Mummy.
    Drive your car while sitting in the passenger seat. Oh, did I tell you, I put a bomb in your car, and it will go off if you drive under fifty miles an hour. What do you do? What do you do?
    With unwashed hands, touch your eyes, nose, ears, tongue, and throat as many times as you can in one minute.
    Tease your neighbors hamster. If your neighbor doesn’t have a hamster, then tease your neighbor’s ferret.
    Walking Pneumonia

I don’t know who had the bright idea of teaching pneumonia how to walk, but I’d like to find that dunderhead before he decides he wants to teach it how to drive. Some people don’t know how to leave well enough alone. I’m not trying to imply that regular pneumonia is “well enough,” I’m just saying … Well, I’m sure you know what I mean.
    CURES FOR WALKING PNEUMONIA
Sit down!
    Headaches

A lot of people will tell you that if you have a headache, you should take an aspirin or some other type of pain reliever. What they don’t tell you is that aspirin and its pals cost money. You have to invest something like two dollars. Sure, my book is $19.95, but look what else you’re getting … Okay, let’s get past the money and change the subject.
    A lot of people will tell you that if you have a headache you should pinch that little flap of skin between your thumb and forefinger. What they don’t tell you is maybe you don’t feel like pinching that flap, or maybe you’ve been dieting so you don’t even have a flap anymore. I’ll tell you one thing. I wish I had never written this paragraph, because now I’m starting to get a headache.
    CURES FOR A HEADACHE
Pummel a bag of chattering