My Point...And I Do Have One

saying what she said. Anyway, I just hung up. I said, ‘Okay, bye.’ First I said okay, bye, then I hung up really fast and threw this horrible outfit on—because I was naked—doing some aerobics. I like to keep in shape. I’m single so I feel it’s important to look my best for men because that’s my job as a woman to look good. Because that’s important, being single and a woman. I date a lot of guys; I’m not seeing anyone seriously at this particular time, not that I just go out with anyone—that would be trampy—I have to know a person fairly well first before I would go out and I don’t think it should always be the man that pays for the dates. I find it’s hard to meet decent people. Well, I’m shy—normally. You’re easy to talk to though. I don’t know what it is about you, there’s something very special, unique. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Anyway, woo, it’s hot today, isn’t it?”
    Then you bat your eyelashes in what you hope is a sexy way. Then the policeman hands you the ticket and drives away. Then you feel like an idiot for the rest of the day.
    A nother thing that we do that can make us feel like we’re not only idiots, but crazy idiots to boot (to boot is human, to forgive divine) is talk to ourselves. It’s hard to walk down the street these days without hearing somebody talking to themselves. In fact, it’s safe to assume that anybody you see walking down the street is talking to themselves. Sometimes people walk in groups of two ormore to disguise that they’re each having their own individual conversations, but they don’t fool me.
    “You crazy people are talking to yourselves!” I yell out at them.
    But, trapped in their own tiny little worlds, they never hear me. Or maybe they don’t hear me because I’m in my car with the windows rolled up. Either way, it’s safe to say that something is going on.
    Though most people engage in what scientists call “Talkee to Selfee,” I never talk to myself.
    “Oh, yes I do.”
    “Oh, no I don’t.”
    “Oh, yes I do.”
    “Oh, no I don’t.”
    “Oh, yes I do.”
    “Oh, no I don’t.”
    Author’s Note:
This conversation was supposed to go on for another ninety pages, and in my mind would have gotten funnier and funnier (I swear, after fifty pages you would have just been screaming with laughter) and, at the same time, fulfilled my obligation to turn in a book of at least 60,000 words.
    My editor tried to convince me that this wasn’t a good idea. I said, “Is too.” He said, “Is not.” I said, “Is too.” He then said he wasn’t going to fall into that trap and that furthermore, none of those words would be counted in the 60,000 that I owe him.
    “Why?” I asked. He replied something that to my ear sounded like, “Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah …” This would have gone on most humorously,but my cold-hearted editor said he wouldn’t count any of the blahs as words either.
    Finally, when my editor was unable to convince me to change what I saw as my personal vision of what this book should be, my editor’s lawyers tried a different approach—something about breach of contract and wanting their money back, I think. Well, we all had a good laugh, after which I completely caved in.
    So back to the story, which, in case you forgot, is about talking to yourself.
    “Oh, yes I do.”
    “Oh, no I don’t. Hey, go behind that door.”
    “Okay.”
SLAM!!!!
“Hey, you fooled me. Let me back in.”
    “No, I’ve got a book to write. Leave me alone.”
    “Okay. Sorry. Good-bye.”
    Now where was I? Oh, right. Though most people do talk to themselves, a lot of people don’t. But don’t get me wrong, they would like to learn how. So, for their benefit, I thought I’d jot down a few words on how they can join the majority and learn the art of self-conversation.
    The main advantage of talking to yourself is that sometimes you’re the only person who wants to talk to you. Unfortunately this could be because you are extremely boring. If that’s the case, then talking to yourself can be a benefit to both you and the outside world—sparing others the expense of listening to you and your mundane ramblings.
    Other times, you are the only person available to talk with. Maybe you’re in solitary confinement or stranded on