My Secret Lover

that maybe his soul had passed through my ward on
its way to heaven. Or wherever souls go.
    I had to attend the funeral in a
wheelchair which made it look as if I was attention seeking unless I explained
about my operation. Which I hadn’t wanted to do.

23
     
    There is one new message in my Inbox.
     
    Re: Drinking
     
    1. Chose 'The Green Green Grass of
Horae' on karaoke machine.
    2. Cried, because words so moving.
    3. Fell off podium.
     
    Will this do? A
     
    I don't know. It's really one
episode, rather than three, isn't it? Did you know the words to 'Green Green
Grass of Home'? L
     
    You are quite keen on rules. And yes,
sadly. A
     
    Yes, I think that's probably sadder
than knowing the words to 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree', don't
you? L
     
    Definitely. At least in 'Tie a Yellow
Ribbon', he's coming home with a smile on his face. Weird that they're both
prison songs. A
     
    Especially since they're the only
prison songs I can think of. L
     
    There's 'Take a Message to Mary' by
the Everly Brothers. A
     
    You're not in prison, are you? L
    No. A
     
    But you do like the Everlys? Not that
it's technically a crime. L
     
    If I say yes, will that count as
embarrassing fact number 2? A
     
    Not really. I borrowed their Greatest
Hits from Mum and forgot to give it back. Never heard the last of it. In two
ways, actually, because Mum went on and on, and so did the Everlys — that thing
that happens with CDs when they stick for no reason at all. In case you're
wondering, the song was 'Let it be Me'. Or 'Let It Be MMMMM-MMMM', on my copy.
L
    Maybe it had fingermarks. You can get
cleaner for CDs. A
     
    No! A
     
    Thank God! Don't mean to be mean, but
I've had enough of her today. And of my infinitely more successful sister. I
wish they would ban days where families have to get together, don't you? L
     
    Absolutely. Starting with Christmas.
A
     
    But Mother's Day is the worst,
because you can't even have a good old-fashioned family row like at Christmas.
L
     
    Is it Mother's Day today? Shit.
Forgot to send mine a card. A
     
    Will your mum do silently put-upon
for the rest of the year? L
     
    No. She's sweet, and so used to being
generally ignored by men, she wouldn't expect me to do anything other than
forget. Which makes it worse. A
     
    Do you have a dad? L
     
    What are you implying? Very much so.
Flagpole in the front garden, shoes polished every night. He was in the Army. A
     
    That's a difficult question, isn't
it? I mean if you see your parents from somebody else's point of view you find
them laughable, but when they're yours, you seem to spend your whole life
trying to please them. A
     
    And failing. L
     
    Quite. A
     
    My dad would be pleased about my job,
actually, but he died before he knew. Odd, really, this is the second time I've
talked about him today and it's meant to be Mother's Day. L
     
    What do you do? A
     
    Hang on. I need several more
embarrassing facts from you before I spill anything more about myself. If you
can't do embarrassing drunk stories, something like favourite film would be a
start, and I mean real favourite. Not one by Kawasaki that makes you sound
intelligent. L
     
    Can I have a think about this and
come back to you? A
     
    Sure. L
     
    Good night. AX

24
     
    It’s World Book Day and everyone has
come to school dressed as characters from their favourite books.
    My class has almost equal numbers of
Harry Potters and the characters left in their size at the Disney Store. ‘Is
Buzz Lightyear actually in a book?’ I ask Dean. ‘Yes. He’s in the Toy Story annual.’
    ‘So he is. You look very authentic!’
    ‘What’s authentic?’ he asks
suspiciously.
    ‘True to life. Not that Buzz
Lightyear is alive of course.’
    ‘Who are you, Miss?’
    ‘Guess?’
    ‘Goldilocks?’
    Fair enough. I have made a wig with
thick plaits from a bathing cap and half a jumper’s worth of yellow knitting
wool.
    ‘Actually, I’m Alice in Wonderland,’
I tell him. ‘You’re a bit big,’ he says.
    I was hoping someone would say this.
It’s the beauty of doing Alice as opposed to, say, Red Riding Hood.
    ‘Alice has a bottle of potion that
makes her big or small. And I’m Alice when she’s big.’
    ‘You still look stupid.’
    ‘Says the superhero who’s under four
feet.’
    I shouldn’t really, but this swimming
cap is very tight and hot.
    ‘Actually, you all look fantastic!
Ethan. Harry Potter, I presume.’
    All the children except Ethan laugh.
    ‘I’m