My Secret Lover

Ron Weasley,’ he says. ‘Dad and
I thought everyone would be Harry Potter.’
    I did wonder about the jumper.
    ‘Ron doesn’t wear glasses,’ says
Robbie.
    ‘Who are you, Robbie?’
    ‘I’m Harry Potter.’
    ‘So, where are your glasses? It
doesn’t matter, does it? Because we can use our imagination, which is what
stories are all about. Now, because it’s World Book Day, I thought we’d have a
look at one of our favourite books.’
    Quite pleased with that segue.
    I have an extra-large book they make
for classrooms. I hold it up.
    ‘Who can tell me what the title of
the book is? Robbie?’
    ‘Ethan won’t give me his glasses,
Miss.’
    Extremely unamused expression.
    ‘Ethan give us your glasses, PLEASE!’
says Robbie. ‘Can anyone read the title to us?’
    Ethan and Robbie both have their
hands in the air. Robbie is wearing Ethan’s glasses.
    ‘Yes?’
    ‘I can’t see!’ they shout in unison.
     
    ‘Where are the three bears?’ says
Richard Batty. ‘Where’s Rudolph?’ I counter.
    ‘I’m Dumbledore.’
    ‘I’m Alice in Wonderland.’
    ‘I don’t know how people with beards
smoke,’ says Richard.
    ‘There aren’t many people with
three-foot-long beards made of cotton wool, are there, though?’
    ‘Who’s been eating my porridge?’ says
New Andy, joining us at our table.
    ‘I’m Alice in Wonderland.’
    There’s no mistaking who he is
supposed to be. I don’t know what the headmaster thinks about him wearing a
dress, especially a mini shift, half black, half white, and tights checked like
a Grand Prix flag.
    The witches were all highly amused.
There’s something about middle-aged women and drag.
    ‘Who let the dogs out!’ says Richard.
    ‘Ha, ha. You’re the first person
who’s said that today. Not.’
    ‘Are we getting a team together for
the Wine and Wisdom?’ Richard Batty asks.
    The posters went up this morning.
     
    Wine and Wisdom
    We provide the Wisdom (and nibbles!)
    You provide the Wine (and corkscrews!)
    Come along and Have Fun!
     
    Of course, they don’t provide the
Wisdom, they provide the questions, but not a good idea to get pedantic with
the Suburban Martyrs. One thing we can all agree on is that there might have
been a good deal more Fun last year if the contestants had been able to open
their Wine.
    ‘Count me in!’ says New Andy.
    Richard and I stare at him. He’s
supply. Why on earth would he want to come to an after-school event?
    ‘Not necessarily as much Fun as the
poster claims,’
    I say.
    ‘So that’s three,’ says Richard
Batty. ‘Shall I put Fern down?’
    ‘Definitely. We can’t manage without
oriental religions.’
    ‘And your Andy?’
    ‘Of course.’
    Last year, he was a bit of a hero
pushing corks in, although the plastic ones that are increasingly common in
non-vintage are virtually impossible to shift manually and he damaged a
ligament in his thumb.
    ‘So, that’s five.’
    ‘How many allowed?’ asks New Andy.
    ‘Maximum of eight,’ says Richard.
    ‘Wine and Wisdom, bit of a
contradiction in terms,’ says New Andy.
    He is very young at times, but may be
useful for filling in our Garage and Rap gaps.
    ‘You don’t have to be so black and
white about it!’ says Richard.
    I can tell he’s been waiting to say
this all lunch, but the opportunity hasn’t arisen.
    ‘Hilarious!’ says New Andy.
     
    ‘Five Minutes’ Peace is a story about a family of
elephants called The Large Family. Can anyone tell me the name of one of the
characters?’
    Silence.
    ‘What’s the mummy elephant called?’ I
hint.
    ‘Mrs Large?’
    ‘Well done, Nicole.’
    ‘It’s a bit rude, isn’t it, calling her
Mrs Large?’
    ‘Well, she is an elephant!’
    ‘My dad calls my mum a fat cow and
she thinks it’s rude,’ says Robbie.
    ‘Because she’s not a cow, dur brain,’
says Dean.
    ‘So, the characters in this story are
Mrs Large and her three children, Lester, Laura and the Little One. And the
question this story is asking is how is Mrs Large going to get her five
minutes’ peace?’
    ‘Why does she want five minutes’
peace?’ asks Nikita.
    Excellent interest in character’s
background.
    ‘Well, sometimes children make a lot
of noise and adults just need to get away from them for a short time.’
    ‘Like you go to the materials
cupboard?’ says Geri. ‘Miss? She’s only just got up. She’s had a whole night’s
sleep,’ says Robbie.
    Good reading of the subtext.
    ‘Maybe Mr Large was snoring,’ I