My Secret Lover

open my home page.
    My mouse glides over:
    War on Terrorism latest
    clicks on: Ten hot looks for a cold climate
    I manage to resist the
    What's your Attitude to Work? Quiz
     
    There are no new messages in my Inbox.
    Click on COMPOSE.
     
    Dear Andy.
    Hi Andy!
    Hi!
     
    Never know how to start e-mails. Andy
just dives straight in as if he’s in the middle of a conversation. No, hello,
dear, or even Lydia—
     
    Dearest Andy
     
    No, because he’ll think I’m drunk if
I start getting sentimental, which I am not. Not really. It was only one bottle
and there were two of us and we ate two pizzas.
     
    Dear Andy
    I'm looking forward to the quiz
tomorrow. Assume we're still on. Do you fancy Chinese meal at the weekend,
because I've got the name of a fantastic restaurant? My treat!
     
    By the way, my New Year's Resolutions
are:
    1. Never demonstrate pole dancing. (I
don't know if you wondered, but I knew how to because of a programme on Channel
5, but that was indoors!)
    2. Never sing in the company of people
who can sing, particularly Eurovision Hits. (Sorry about making the fat woman
take off her shoes for Sandie Shaw. It wasn't actually my glass. Did she have
to have stitches?)
    3. Never try to join in reels unless
I have previously learnt the steps. (Sorry about your kilt. Funny that I didn't
know you were Scottish when you think about it. I should have guessed because
of St Andrew. Anyway, it looked very smart. Nothing against kilts per se, I've
actually got one myself that my mother bought in the Edinburgh Wool Shop sale.
Not keen on them at weddings, though, are you?)
    4. Never drink alcohol.
     
    There may be other things. I won't do
those either. See you at the quiz.
     
    LXX
     
    Yes, I’m happy with that. Think it
strikes exactly the right balance between remorse and not getting it all out of
proportion.
    Click on SEND

3
     
    We’re on Couples’ Who Wants to be
a Millionaire? and the question’s worth £125,000.
    ‘How are you. feeling?’ asks Chris
Tarrant.
    ‘Fine,’ says Andy, with a slight
get-on-with-it quality in his voice which won’t go down well with the viewers
at home.
    ‘Lydia?’
    ‘Nervous,’ I say, because that’s what
you’re meant to say. Andy doesn’t understand these things.
    ‘OK,’ says Chris, ‘I’ve got Andy and
the lovely Lydia playing for £125,000. Have a look at this.’
    The lights dim.
    ‘Which band had a hit with “Tie a
Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree” in 1973?’
     
    A Chicory Tip         B Bucks Fizz
    C Dawn                    D The Mamas
and the Pappas
     
    ‘Any ideas?’ says Chris.
    ‘I’m thinking Chicory Tip,’ says
Andy.
    ‘No,’ I hiss. ‘It’s Dawn.’
    ‘I’m sure it’s Chicory Tip...’ Andy
persists.
    How come he’s suddenly the expert on
trivia? I do the trivia questions. That’s the whole point of me.
    He’s the one who does dates and
geography and proper subjects.
    ‘It’s Dawn,’ I say.
    ‘You’ve got no lifelines left,’ says
Chris. ‘You can go home with £64,000, which will help with the wedding, or you
can play for £125,000.’
    I wish Andy had said something a bit
more imaginative about what we were going to do with the money. Every time we
win a bigger cheque, Chris brings the wedding up again, and it’s beginning to
make us look ridiculous. It’s not as if we’re the sort of people who will have OK! and Hello! vying for the rights. The only picture of our wedding in the
press will be in smudged black and white in the Gazette alongside the
‘Always in our thoughts’ messages to dead relatives.
    Also, if we hadn’t asked the audience
about Gail’s first husband in Coronation Street, which I knew but Andy
didn’t trust me on, then we would have that lifeline left now, and I’m sure at
least 75% would back me on Dawn.
    ‘Dawn? I’ve never heard of Dawn,’
says Andy.
    ‘ You’ve never heard of Hear’say!’ I say,
exchanging a cheeky glance with Chris.
    ‘Hearsay?’ Andy repeats. He’s never
heard of them.
    ‘They’re not even married yet, but
they’re arguing already,’ says Chris with a big grin to camera.
    ‘If you don’t believe me, then let’s
take the money,’ I say.
    ‘I’ve got a real feeling about
Chicory Tip,’ says Andy.
    The more he says it, the more I’m
getting doubts. It was Dawn, wasn’t it? I know they definitely did ‘Knock Three
Times on the Ceiling’. God, maybe I’m wrong.
    ‘Chicory Tip sounds right to me,’
says