Notorious Nineteen

I’ve been thinking about turning professional.”
    “That would be an excellent plan,” Lula said. “We wouldn’t have to go back to Central if you were there. We could spend our time doing other important stuff that’s not in a hospital.”
    “It’s not an excellent plan,” my mother said. “It’s an awful plan. Isn’t it enough she causes havoc in every funeral home in a twenty-mile radius?”
    “Not always,” Grandma said. “I just don’t like when they have a closed casket. I think it’s a gyp. How do you know if there’s anyone in there?”
    My mother shook her fork at me. “I’m holding you responsible. If your grandmother gets arrested for disturbing the peace in that hospital you can kiss chocolate cake goodbye for the rest of your life. Pineapple upside-down cake too.”
    “Boy, that’s hardball,” Lula said.
    “I wouldn’t want you to do without pineapple upside-down cake,” Grandma said. “I guess I shouldn’t snoop for you. I gotta go to the hairdresser anyway. There’s going to be a big viewing tomorrow night for Stanley Kuberski, and I want to look good. The paper said the Elks will be holding a ceremony for him, and there’s a couple hot Elks I got my eye on.”
    “You should go with your grandmother,” my mother said. “Loretta Gross’s boy, Cameron, is an Elk. I bet he’ll be there, and he just got a divorce.”
    “Is he hot?” Grandma asked. “I might be interested in him.”
    “He’s too young for you,” my mother said.
    My father shoveled in potatoes. “ Everyone is too young for her.”
    “I’m aiming for young,” Grandma said. “When I go out with someone old they die before I can reel them in. Besides, I’ve been told I don’t look my age.”
    It’s true that Grandma doesn’t look her age. She looks about ninety.
    It was a little after eight o’clock when Lula and I left my parents’ house. Lula drove off in her red Firebird, and I drove off in Big Blue. I had a bag of leftovers on the seat beside me, and I was at a crossroads. I could take the leftovers home, or Icould drive the short distance to Morelli’s house and share. Sharing seemed like the way to go since I was going to beg off our Friday night date.
    Joe Morelli inherited a house from his Aunt Rose. It’s just outside the Burg boundary, on a quiet street in a blue-collar neighborhood much like the Burg. It’s a small two-story row house that is a comfortable mix of Morelli and his aunt. Her old-fashioned curtains still hang on the windows, but most of the furniture belongs to Morelli and his shaggy red-haired dog Bob. Bob is part Golden Retriever and part Wookiee. He eats everything, loves everyone, and mellows out Morelli.
    I parked in front of Morelli’s house, went to the door, and let myself in. “Hey!” I yelled. “I’ve got food. Anybody home?”
    Bob gave a woof from the kitchen at the back of the house and I heard him gallop toward me. He came at me full speed, put his front paws on my chest, and knocked me flat on my back. He ripped the food bag out of my hand and galloped off.
    Morelli sauntered over from the living room and helped me up. “Are you okay?”
    “I was bringing you fried chicken, but Bob knocked me down and took the bag of food.”
    “Damn,” Morelli said. “He can’t have chicken bones. He hacks them up in the middle of the night.”
    Morelli left me to track down Bob, there was a lot of yelling and growling from the vicinity of the kitchen, and Morelli returned to the living room with the bag of food, a fork, and twobeers. He wrapped an arm around my neck, pulled me into him, and kissed me.
    “The Mets are up by two runs,” he said. “What’s going on with you?”
    I sat next to him on the couch and took a beer. “I had to borrow Big Blue, so I had dinner with my parents.”
    “Something wrong with your car?”
    “It accidentally got blown up.”
    Morelli turned and focused on me. “Car bomb?”
    “Hand-held rocket.”
    The line of his mouth tightened a little, and his eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “It was an accident ?”
    “I was on Stark Street.”
    “That explains it,” Morelli said, his attention back to the bag of food.
    He ate the chocolate cake first. He gave some potatoes to Bob. And he put the rest in the fridge for later.
    “This is a nice surprise,” he said, settling back into the couch. “Do you want to take your clothes off?”
    “Whatever happened to romance? What about foreplay?”
    “Foreplay goes faster