Nude Men

right.”
    A moment later, she adds, “You did not betray your girlfriend. You were not unfaithful to her.”
     

chapter eleven
     
     
     
    I decide not to call Laura before going back to New York, because I want to open our apartment door unexpectedly and catch her off guard. This might not seem very nice, but ever since two nights ago, when I betrayed her with Henrietta, I have been overcome by doubts about her faithfulness and love for me. I’ve even started doubting the supposed greatness of her personality. Is she ready as wonderful as I thought? Could she be hiding something dreadful, like an evil character trait, a man in her bed, or contempt for me? Part of me is nevertheless looking forward to being with her and being consoled by her, but I just can’t shake off this nagging fear that I might be disappointed, which is why I haven’t called her.
    I’m in the elevator, going up to our door. My heart beats quickly, and I take deep breaths. I try to imagine what she’ll be doing when I enter the apartment. The worst possibility I can think of is finding her in bed with a man. The best possibility is finding her sitting at her piano, composing a piece just for me, with Minou lying on top of the instrument, listening rapturously.
    But then again, she could be doing much more ordinary things, like running errands or drinking orange juice in the kitchen.
    When I arrive at the door, instead of ringing or knocking, I quietly use my keys. Since part of me strongly suspects that she’s too good to be true and is betraying me behind my back, even hating me perhaps, I suddenly get a vision of her sitting at her piano and holding a little voodoo doll of me, sticking pins into it and setting its hair on fire. And then, when I come in, she would quickly hide the doll inside the piano, not even caring that the ash of the burnt hair gets all over the little felt hammers of her piano and ruins them.
    I open the door and look straight at the piano. My heart sinks a little when I see that she is not sitting there composing a piece for me. I am about to head for the bedroom, because the possibility that she might be in bed with a man does not seem too unrealistic. But suddenly, a movement in the corner of the living room catches my eye. It’s her. She’s sitting on her piano bench, but not at the piano; she’s at the file cabinets, the ones she gave me when I first moved in, to make me feel more at home. I never touched them, or used them, and I wasn’t aware that she had filled them. But obviously she had, because one of the drawers is open and her delicate fingers are dipping through the manila folders. I am suddenly jealous of those ghostly gray file cabinets, which have haunted my life in various reincarnations and which are now stealing my girlfriend, or at least placidly receiving her caresses. I have always found them sinister, menacing, sneaky, depraved, heinous, bureaucratic, their cold metal bodies lurking in the shadows of the living room like sinful thoughts. Minou, who is lying on top of them, is watching me approach, but Laura is not yet aware of my presence.
    “Hello, Laura,” I say.
    She turns around and exclaims, “Jeremy!” in complete joy. She gets up and hugs me. “I missed you,” she says.
    She is wearing my raincoat and boots. I open the coat a little, because I see a piece of breast and wonder if she’s completely naked underneath. No, she’s wearing my Jockey shorts.
    She smiles and partially explains her attire: “At first I was only wearing your underwear, but then I got cold, so I put on your coat.”
    “And boots?” I offer.
    “Yeah.”
    I hug her and put my hands on her backside out of curiosity. Just as I suspected, she is wearing nothing under my Jockey shorts, which, come to think of it, is normal.
    She looks extremely beautiful, even without makeup, though she is wearing the diamond earring I gave her, the one I found on the sidewalk one evening. But she always wears it, so that’s nothing special.
    “What are you doing with the file cabinets?” I ask her.
    “I open them sometimes, when you’re not here. They make me feel as though I’m in touch with your soul, your mind, and your essence.”
    I’m touched and insulted at the same time. I’m not sure I should be flattered to remind her of a file cabinet, or rather to have a file cabinet remind her of me.
    I noticed but didn’t really register the fact that there is a mattress on the floor, next to the file