On an Edge of Glass

dinner with Scott and Bryant.”  He takes a quick, tight breath and holds it.  “I probably shouldn’t have driven us home and I’m sorry for that. And I’m sorry for everything that came after.  Things never should have gone down like that.”
                  This isn’t the explanation that I expected.  I remember Ben ordering one beer with dinner, but that’s all.  He didn’t seem drunk.  He didn’t smell drunk.  He didn’t taste drunk.  He tasted like toothpaste.
                  “Oh.”  I let my mind wrap around these thoughts.  “I just—I thought…”
                  Wow.  I realize with a sucking clarity that a part of me thought that Ben still harbored some sliver of feeling for me.  That when he said, “ it isn’t enough ,” maybe he meant that he wanted me in more ways than just physically. 
    It’s the shame of rejection, so direct and complete, that echoes inside my chest and stings at the backs of my eyes.
                  I feel sick.
                  “I think that I had too much to drink also,” I say and look away.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
    In Spite of Ourselves
     
     
    “I don’t know why you don’t try talking to him again.”
                  “Huh?”  My head jerks up. 
    Mark is looking at me.  His eyebrows are pulled together making a deep V in the middle of his forehead.  “I think you would feel a lot better,” he says.  “And I know that I would.”
    “What do you mean ?”
                  Mark sits back in the desk chair and pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose.  “Ben. I mean the way that you guys left things hanging after Asheville.  It’s been over two weeks Ellie, and I think that you should talk to him again.”
                  “Mark,” I say, shaking my head and letting the thoughts tumble all over the place.  “Ben and I didn’t leave things hanging.  I told you exactly what happened.  In no uncertain terms, he said that he didn’t want to be with me, so I don’t understand what more you think there is to talk about.” 
                  Mark puts his elbows on his thighs and leans forward.  “See, I don’t think that’s what he said.”
                  I remember Ben’s words in the car clearly.  I remember the way that his golden brown eyes hardened and how my chest constricted. 
    A short, sharp laugh escapes me.  “And you were there?  That’s funny, because I didn’t see you.  Were you in the backseat hiding under an invisibility cloak loaned to you by Harry Potter?”
    “Don’t be sarcastic Ellie,” Mark says, all seriousness and big brother voice.  “I just don’t think Ben was being completely honest about things.  And neither were you.” 
    My head drops into my hands.  “ Mark, you’re a good friend.  The best.  But, you don’t need to worry about Ben and me anymore.  That’s over and done with and I don’t want to keep coming back to it.”
    “But—”  
    “Do I have to remind you that y ou’re the one who cautioned me not to become a dweller?”  I glance up and brush my bangs out of my eyes.  “I’m trying my best to follow your advice and now you’re crawling all over me for that.  Asheville was nothing.  Ben took me home with him because of timing, and what happened on that last night was an accident.  It didn’t mean anything and I’ve accepted that.  Why can’t you?”
    “Come on Ellie-bear!  You can’t honestly believe that, can you?”   Mark’s voice is tinged with exasperation.
    I throw my hands up.  “Believe what?”
    “That lam e story he gave you about drinking too much.”  Mark rolls his eyes.  “Wow.  Do I really have to spell this out for you?”
    “ Apparently so,” I challenge.
    Mark levels his clear gaze at me. “Ben Hamilton is in love with you.  And you’re in love with him,” he says, punctuating each word like a hammer driving a nail into wood.
    “No.  He’s not.”  I pause . My head moves left an inch.  I curl my fingers into my palms.  “ I’m not.”  
    Mark rolls his eyes.  “Yeah .  And I’m straight as a pin.”
    “Mark…”
    “Ellie, you can pull this shit with other people—even yourself—but, don’t pull it with me.  I’ve seen the way that you look at him, and I’ve seen the way that he looks at you.”
    “ Fine.  How does he look at me?” I ask because I want to