On an Edge of Glass

to turn down the job.”
    I’m afraid to look up.  I’m afraid of Ben’s eyes reaching into mine and the anxious hope that’s wrapping its way around my chest. 
    “Why would you do that?”   I ask the table.  I’m hardly moving—hardly breathing.  
    “ Ellie, please look at me.”  He pulls my chin up with his finger and I see his mouth curving into a soft smile.  My heart rattles. 
    “Why would you do that?”  I repeat, blinking away the salty tears that have turned my lashes into soggy webs. 
    Ben shrugs.  “I turned it down because of you.”
    I don’t know what to say.  I think I’m trembling.  It’s like that moment in betwee n sleeping and waking, when gravity might suddenly reverse and you could tumble heels over head.  Like falling up into the sky to join the stars. 
    “You can’t— I-I—”  My voice is turned inside out.  “What about your future?”
    Ben stands.  He pulls me up with him.  “Did you mean what you said earlier?” 
    “What—which part?”  I ask, and I’m shaking my head back and forth because I don’t know what else to do with it.
    “The part when you said that you were in love with me. ” His eyes are like two doors, swinging open on their hinges.  I want to walk right through them and see what’s on the other side.
    “ Yes.”
    “ Good.”  He takes my head in his hands and brushes his lips along the skin of my neck.  I shiver.  “Because I don’t think that I can stop loving you.  I tried, but I couldn’t do it.  You’re my future, Ellie.  I can play music anywhere, but you’re only going to be in one place.”
    “But you can’t just—”
    “Yeah, I can.”   He laughs.  “Look, haven’t you ever heard that musicians play from the heart?  Well, I can’t be expected to play in California when my heart’s over two thousand miles away.”
    Three words.  They’re all I have.  “I love you.”
    He’s smiling and there’s that perfect dimple on his cheek.  “I love you back—in a big and epic way.”
    T hat’s all it takes.  We’re kissing and my heart is bursting, and my lungs are cracking, and the earth is rumbling beneath my feet.  Ben threads his hands into my hair.  His tongue moves over mine—searing me.  He’s tipping me back, back, back.  And I’m, slipping, dissolving into him.
    “Ahh—hem!”   The sound breaks us apart.
    Good God, I’m panting.  But then again, so is Ben.   
    A blue-haired guy wearing a black apron is scowling at us.  “We’re getting ready to close,” he says gruffly as he turns back to cleaning out the coffee machine.
    Ben takes my hands.  His forehead drops against mine.  We’re both smiling hard.
    He kisses my nose.  He m oves his hands over my waist and squeezes my hipbone.
    “Let’s go home,” he whispers against my mouth.
     
     
       
    O ur bare limbs are woven together like the crisscrossing streets on a roadmap. Ben is over me.  He drags his fingers over my exposed ribs.  He is torturing me—slowly consuming every single inch of me.  To make up for lost time, he said. 
    I think that I might spontaneously combust. 
    He’s kissing the soft, pale skin of my wrist.  Then he moves up my arm to the inside of my bicep.  Next, his tongue makes slow circles in between my breasts while his hands dip lower. 
    I arc my back off the bed and pull at his hair.  “Ben…”
    Above my heart, his mouth pauses.  “Do you know how much I’ve thought about you?  About doing this?”  He moves his hand.   
                  I can’t speak, but I do make a whimpering sound that Ben interprets as encouragement.
                  “You’re so beautiful, Ellie.”  He kisses my belly button.  His hands brush my naked thighs.  His eyelashes flutter against my skin as he kisses up and down my body.  My head is back against the pillow, and I’m squeezing the sheets, saying things that don’t make sense.  Ben and his relentless mouth are going to rip me apart.  
                  Using the last of my strength, I pull him up over me.  I crush my lips to his and taste his breath and his secrets. 
                  Pushing loose strands of hair away from my eyes, I ask, “Do you know how much I’ve thought about you ?  About doing this ?”  I drop my hand and Ben’s eyes go round. 
                  Later, he holds me against his chest and tells me that he loves me for the hundredth time