Paint Me Beautiful

who I am.
    “ If you need to talk … ” Marlena begins.
    “ Then I for sure know I won't be talking to you,” I snap and then I step forward and switch on the shower. Whatever Marlena says next is drowned in the rush of steaming water. I wait till she's gone before I strip down and weigh myself. Fortunately for me, the number has dropped since yesterday. That gives me hope, reinforces to me that I'm doing the right thing. Nobody said this was going to be easy. If it was, then there wouldn't be pop stars, cover models, actresses. If this was a simple process, anybody could do it, and it wouldn't be special. I want to be special, need to be special.
    I shower quickly and wrap a towel around my body, just in case I catch a glimpse in the mirror. I might've lost some weight, but that doesn't mean I want to see my imperfections reflected back at me in brilliant color. When I step into my bedroom, I hear my phone vibrating and reach down to pick it up.
    It's Emmett Sinclair.
    I look at his name on the screen for a long moment before I make the decision to answer it.
    “ Hello?”
    “ Hi there, Miss Simone,” he says softly, and I feel my heart thump painfully against my ribs. I'm surprised it's still there. As much as it hurt yesterday, I was certain it was dying. “How are you feeling today? Your sister said you were feeling sick.”
    “ My sister says a lot of things,” I snap and immediately feel guilty. For whatever reason, Emmett Sinclair is the only person I do not want to snap at. “Sorry, I'm just … I'm irritated with her.” Emmett laughs and the sound is so refreshing that I feel myself leaning towards the phone eagerly. “She has a tendency to exaggerate things.” I pause. “And I'm sorry for standing you up, I just … I overslept.” I laid on the floor like a corpse, pale and frozen, a disgusting lump of useless flesh. I think I hate myself. “Emmett,” I say suddenly. “I have a lot of things going on in my life right now, and I just don't know if I'm ready to get involved with anybody.”
    “ I can be unobtrusive,” he tells me. He doesn't plead, just says it matter-of-fact, like that's just the way it is. “I can also be supportive.” He pauses, and I can hear his breathing slow, like he's trying to stay calm. Is he that worried about me blowing him off? “Did you know I spent $195 on a shirt today?” I snort with laughter and then start to sniffle. How stupid is that?
    “ From where?” I ask, happy that at least somebody in my life is making an effort to talk about the things I'm interested in. Odd that it happens to be the sexy stranger I slept with.
    “ Nordstrom,” he says and then I hear rustling.
    “ Are you taking off your shirt?” I ask on a hunch. I'm laughing again which is totally odd. A few minutes ago, I wanted to jump off of a bridge.
    “ Okay … ” he begins, and I can just imagine him licking his full lips with his hot tongue. “I just needed to check the label. This is a Burberry Brit. Does that mean anything to you?”
    “ Burberry Brit is what you'd call entry level designer wear. It's affordable … ”
    “ Says who?” asks Emmett, and I find myself smiling. Inside, some of the ice melts a bit.
    “ You don't have to do this,” I say.
    “ Do what?”
    “ Pretend to care about this stuff.” There's a bit of silence on the line, and I have to check to make sure that he hasn't hung up. “Emmett?”
    “ Claire, are you free this evening?”
    “ Um, I guess, sure,” I say although I should be telling him no. I need to step up my fitness routine if I'm going to make it into Lianna's agency. Somehow, I just know that if I walk into that building without a gap between my thighs, that she's going to tell me to look elsewhere. I've dropped all the rest of my casting and appointments for this, so I have to be prepared. I have to go in there with the perfect body and the right attitude. I have to show Lianna Cheung that I am in control, that I can take her clothes places, that they can take me places.
    “ Can I take you out?” I nibble at my lower lip.
    “ I don't really like to eat in front of people,” I begin, but Emmett cuts me off.
    “ I would never force you to. It's just … I've got this stupid class card to the learning center downtown. It expires soon, and I need to use it up. Come with me to a class, anything, your choice. I can email you the schedule for tonight. There are a ton of choices.” I think about this for a moment and decide