Pop Goes the Weasel

also dish out peanut butter and jelly to anyone who wants seconds or even thirds, of the stuff. Jimmy Moore, the Irish American who runs the soup kitchen with much love and just the right amount of discipline, has always believed in the healing power of p.b. and j. Some of the regulars at the kitchen call me “Peanut Butter Man.” They’ve been doing it for years.
    “You don’t look so good today,” said a short ample woman who’s been coming to the kitchen for the past year or two. I know her name is Laura, and that she was born in Detroit and has two grown sons. She used to work as a housekeeper on M Street in Georgetown, but the family felt she’d gotten too old for the job and let her go with only a couple weeks’ severance and warm words of appreciation.
    “You deserve better. You deserve me ,” Laura said, and laughed mischievously. “What do you say?”
    “Laura, you’re too kind with your compliments,” I said, serving up her usual extra dish. “Anyway, you’ve met Christine. You know I’m already spoken for.”
    Laura giggled as she hugged herself with both arms. She had a fine, healthy laugh, even under the circumstances. “A young girl has to dream, you know. Nice to see you, as always.”
    “Same to you, Laura. As always, nice to see you. Enjoy the meal.”
    “Oh, I do. You can see I do.”
    As I said my cheery hellos and dished out heaped portions of peanut butter, I allowed myself to think about Christine. Laura was probably right; maybe I didn’t look so good today. I probably hadn’t looked too terrific for a few days.
    I remembered a night about two weeks back. I had just finished working a multiple-homicide case in Boston. Christine and I stood on the porch in front of her house out in Mitchellville. I was trying to live my life differently, but it’s hard to change. I had a saying I really liked: H EART L EADS H EAD .
    I could smell the flowers in the night air, roses and impatiens growing in profusion. I could also smell Gardenia Passion, a favorite perfume that Christine was wearing that night.
    She and I had known each other for a year and a half. We’d met during a murder investigation that had ended with the death of her husband. Eventually we began to go out. I was thinking that it had all been leading to this moment on the porch. At least it had in my mind.
    I had never seen Christine when she didn’t look good to me and make me feel lightheaded. She’s tall, almost five-ten, and that’s nice. She had a smile that could probably light up half the country. That night, she was wearing tight, faded jeans and a white T-shirt knotted around her waist. Her feet were bare, and her nails were dabbed with red polish. Her beautiful brown eyes were shining.
    I reached out and took her into my arms, and suddenly everything seemed right with the world. I forgot all about the terrible case I’d just finished; I forgot about the particularly vicious killer known as Mr. Smith.
    I cupped her sweet, kind face gently in my hands. I like to think that nothing scares me anymore, and many things don’t, but I guess the more good things you have in your life, the easier it is to experience fear. Christine felt so precious to me — so maybe I was scared.
    Heart leads head .
    It isn’t the way most men act, but I was learning.
    “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything in my life, Christine. You help me see and feel things in new ways. I love your smile, your way with people — especially kids — your kindness. I love to hold you like this. I love you more than I could say if I stood here and talked for the rest of the night. I love you so much. Will you marry me, Christine?”
    She didn’t answer right away. I felt her pull back, just a little, and my heart caught. I looked into her eyes, and what I saw was pain and uncertainty. It nearly broke my heart.
    “Oh, Alex, Alex,” she whispered, and looked as if she might cry. “I can’t give you an answer. You just came back from Boston. You were on another horrible, horrible murder case. I can’t take that. Your life was in danger again. That terrible madman was in your house. He threatened your family. You can’t deny any of that.”
    I couldn’t. It had been a terrifying experience, and I had nearly died. “I won’t deny anything you said. But I do love you. I can’t deny that, either. I’ll quit the police force if that’s what it takes.”
    “No.” A softness came into her eyes. She shook her head back and